We interrupt the regularly scheduled broadcast....

HAPPY HAND TURKEY DAY!!!!!!!!!

Yes I know only us Americans celebrate it, and most of us call it Thanksgiving.  I call it Hand Turkey Day for a variety of reasons, first being that traditionally both my kids draw "Hand Turkeys" and give them to me as a card.  Yes I keep them.  Yes they are 11 and 16.  Shadup.

You know I really don't like being thankful.  I'm not a big fan of gratitude.  Being thankful for something or being grateful for it implies that it was handed to me.  Maybe my being a veteran has something to do with my attitude about it.  *shrugs*  Don't get me wrong, I have an emotion concerning all in my life that I should be  "grateful" for, I prefer to call it appreciation.  I appreciate my freedom cause I damn well earned it by serving in the United States Army for 8 years, including overseas.  I appreciate my job because I bust my ass to keep it and do it well.  I appreciate my children because I didn't believe the doctors that told me I would never have them.  The oldest put me through 9 months of living hell because that child was ADHD in the womb!  Promise.  My youngest put me on the couch for 6 months with me tracking her every movement because she never moved.  The kid was a speedbump.  Due to complications and the fact that I happened to have 2 uterus' (only 1 functioning), it was like carrying twins and I slipped two disks in my lower back in my 5th month.  I damn well earned that child too. Any woman that has gone through pregnancy, childbirth and then raised that child to the best of their abilities has earned them.  I appreciate the living hell out of the fact that I have two happy, well adjusted, "normal" children.  But no one handed them to me, I have and still do work my ass off for them.  I appreciate my home because I bought, scrounged or sought out every stick of furniture in it and I work two jobs to be able to pay for it and the food on the table.  I appreciate my friends because I give as much or more than I get.  I appreciate the two dogs and retarded cat (he is, honest) because I give them the best food possible (home-made dog food and yes the cat eats it too), I pay the vet bills, I groom them, I love them and they are happy and healthy.  I appreciate my husband who is also my Master because relationships are WORK damnit.  We've endured hardships and separation, and we work on our relationship every day.  I earned that too.  So every day I say thanks to the deity because I have the ability to earn every single thing in my life.  THAT is the only thing that I am truly grateful for.  Everything else gets my undying appreciation.

If you appreciate the people and/or things in your life, wish them a Happy Hand Turkey Day by either drawing them one (wiser in some cases) or giving them one (pics or it didn't happen).  Appreciate what you've earned, but only be grateful that you were given the ability to earn it.

Day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I had to (and still am) learn to forgive myself for not fighting back against my mother when she abused me.  I skated, avoided her, did exactly what she asked, anything in the world to make it stop, except fight back.

Seems to me that I've made up for lost time as I constantly fight back now lol.

Packing to head up north tomorrow morning early for Hand Turkey Day but yes I will continue to do the daily thing, or at least I will try lol.

Day 2

Day 2 Something you really like about yourself

I haz teh funneh

Usually

I can make people laugh.  Whether it's my smart ass sense of humor or snarky self-depreciation, I can usually get someone laughing no matter how off they are feeling.  It took me quite a few years and much honing of the skill but it's one I love about myself and one I value in others as well.  Even on his worst days, X could always make me laugh, and still can.

Subject change

It didn't work out so....

SUBJECT CHANGE!

Thank Impy for the idea, she's one of my regular reads and as I'd like her to post more I'm copying from her :D
30 Days of Truth

Day 01:Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2:  Something you love about yourself
Day 3:  Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 4:  Something you have to forgive someone for
Day 5:  Something you hope to do in your life
Day 6:  Something you to never have to do
Day 7:  Someone that has made your life worth living for
Day 8:  Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit
Day 9:  Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted away
Day 10:  Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on
Day 12:  Something you never get compliments on
Day 13:  A band or artist that has gotten you throu some tough ass days (write a letter)
Day 14:  A hero that has let you down.  (letter)
Day 15:  Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried
Day 16:  Something or someone you definately could live without
Day 17:  A book you've read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage
Day 19: What do you think of religion
Day 20:  Your views on drugs and alcohol
Day 21:  (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before, what do you do?
Day 22:  Something you wish you hadn't done in your life
Day 23:  Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24:  Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (just post titles, artists and letter)
Day 25:  the reason you believe you're still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on live - If so when and why
Day 27:  What's the best thing going for you right now
Day 28:  What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29:  Something you hope to change about yourself, and why.
Day 30:  A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Day 1.  Something you hate about yourself.

I totally hate drama, and while this is a common sentiment, most people can handle it.  I hate it because I cannot.  I don't like arguing, fighting, or watching people humiliate themselves.  When people become their holiness the lali drama, I'm running the other direction, promise.  Even when it's drama that I "should" get involved in, I totally don't.  I perceive this as something to hate because of the feelings it invokes in me that I can't control.  Like panic.  Yes I'm wierd.  I get totally bitchy and mean and say positively demeaning things to get them to stop, remember the eldest witchlet?  Yeah.  She's 16 and stupid with it.  I'm going to change her middle name to drama.  Teenage angst is a way of life for her right now and ima gonna beat her.  I literally walk away from her ALL the time because saying stupid and demeaning things to my daughter is NOT cool behavior for a Mom.  I got up and left the dinner table TWICE this week because of it.  *sigh*  I have a feeling it's not over yet either.

Nightmares

Ok, it's been a rough week.  I quit taking the spendy sleeping pills for a couple of very valid reasons.  1.  I was waking up through them just like when I wasn't taking them  2.  $180 a month out of my flex-care card that wasn't planned for at the once a year adjustment thingy  3. I hate sleeping pills because I know they are addictive  4.  I feel like at 43 I should be over what ever bullshit is causing me to not sleep.  So instead of arguing with M about it, (which is invariably what happens whenever I want to change a medication) when my insurance wouldn't cover the amount of sleeping pills the dr wanted to proscribe, I took it as a sign and just didn't get them refilled.  Three days later he figured it out.  I went through a bit of withdrawal, which wasn't nearly as bad as when I went off paxul, and the usual I can't sleep for 2 days, then I started sleeping like a brick for about 4 hrs a night.  M was "surprised" and didn't think it was a good idea.  And thought I should at least have some on hand if it got too bad.  So we "argued" about it for a couple of those days.  Our version of arguing is me being insecure and saying sorry about everything and him getting pissed that I'm acting like that, which just fuels the insecurity etc etc etc.  Then we talk about it.  He fully understood why I did it, which didn't change his opinion about keeping some on hand, which fixed the insecurity, etc etc etc.

Ok, fast forward to last night.  We have been talking for quite a while about my inability to cry.  I was Pavlovian trained by my mother that crying was bad.  She'd hit me, I'd cry, she'd hit me harder for crying literally until I stopped.  End result?  I don't cry when it's appropriate to.  I don't cry, ever.  You really really have to break my heart or do something that just emotionally wrecks me to get tears.  Tears are good for you, they are a catharsis.  It was proven long ago that crying actually releases some chemicals in your body that help you handle stress.  I WANT to be able to cry.  I don't want my icky bitch of a mother to win that battle.  I want that ability back.  So being the logical pervert that I am, I talked to M about re-training me to cry.  It took forever but I remembered something that happened a while ago, we were fighting for whatever stupid reason, and I couldn't talk about why I was pissed but we had a play party to go to.  I walked into the party and the lovely Ms J took one look at me, pulled me over to the side, put my on my knees by my hair and slapped my face a couple of times until I started bawling.  She is the one and only person that can merrily tromp all over my limits like that lol.  Then she held me for about an hour and cried with me and BINGO damn if I didn't feel just peachy!  I think I had deliberately blocked that insti-scene out of my head when M and I started talking about this.  He has never slapped my face or grabbed my throat.  They have always been hard limits of mine, always.  Well I reminded him of that and we discussed it and discussed it, and agreed that we would give it a try.  Have I told you its been a rough week?  Well I wrecked a surprise that M was trying to pull on me last night, and he always gets so disappointed in me when I do that that its one of the few ways I can actually earn a punishment.  The lecture took up the entire time we were cleaning up after dinner and then he ordered me upstairs, where the lecture continued while he started punishing me.  Then he lifted me by my throat, started fucking me from behind, punctuating his lecture with slaps to my face while holding my head back by my hair.  It took three.  I was a sobbing snotty remorseful mess.  I bawled through the rest of my punishment and he continued to fuck me but he started praising me for letting it out and and and..  Yeah, it was hawt.  I was exhausted so he dressed me in my pj's and tucked me into bed.  And I had nightmares about my mother all friggen night....  Definitely need more aftercare when we do that... (no I don't need an ipad to communicate)