Monday, February 20, 2012

Tired

I honestly don't know what goes on in my own head some times.  I had a prime opportunity for play this last weekend as we were at Madtown Kinkfest.  Instead I spent the entire weekend sulky and bratty and absolutely just being a bitch because we weren't at home, I didn't want to stay at a hotel, blah blah blah.  I made myself and M miserable to the point that everyone noticed that I was "off".

*sigh*

Last night M announced that we were going to "work on this issue".  (shudders) So here we go again.  I get that he needs to train me, and I get that this is for my own good.  I even get that I am the most hard-headed individual on the face of the planet so sometimes extreme measures are called for, like telling me to take off his collar.  (it just about got thrown at him)  But damnit why can't he leave this part of my psyche alone?  I was in tears twice last night, once from him when he poked and prodded until he found out why I had such a bad reaction to events.  The other time was from Sarahnade.


vixen.4770: *drums fingers on the desktop*
vixen.4770: I thought you were supposed to be on my side?
sarahnade Gina: if that would involve enabling an unhealthy behavior...nope
sarahnade Gina: friends don't do that
vixen.4770: *sigh*
vixen.4770: you two are bound and determined to make me normal aren't you
sarahnade Gina: love means you want the absolute best for the person...not the easiest way out
sarahnade Gina: yep
sarahnade Gina: we will believe that you can heal in this until you believe it yourself...how is that?

Why does having two people willing to slog through the mud of my past with me somehow make this harder?  Lets add a bit of guilt on top of the mess, M and Sarah didn't get to play at all because he was too busy "tending to my situation".

*crawls under desk*

I'm just going to be under here until this thing fixes itself kthksbai!


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15 comments:

  1. pepperFebruary 20, 2012 at 5:55 AM

    Do you pull bandaids off quick, or slow? i know it sounds like a stupid way to look at it...but really, some things, the really painful ones, are better gotten rid of. Like being sick to your stomach, you always feel better after you've puked. Well, i do anyway.

    So go ahead and stick your fingers down your throat and sick it out, baby. You're tough, and you've got support. Loving support, too.

    You can do it.

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    Replies
    1. UnknownFebruary 20, 2012 at 6:11 AM

      This is a tough one mostly because I hadn't realized what was causing it before this. I get the sinking feeling it's gonna take a LOT of work. I have had this for as long as I can remember. It's going to be like picking out 100 splinters and it's a HUGE part of my psyche

      Delete
    2. pepperFebruary 20, 2012 at 6:18 AM

      i am morally certain your M thinks you're worth the effort....it took me a very long time to believe i was, regardless of the reassurance my M gave me. i think, though, that you are made of pretty stern stuff, lady, and even though you're stubborn, the idea will work it's way in there in time. You. Are. Worth. Every. Bit. Of. Effort.

      Yes, it'll be like splinters. And it won't be an overnight success(Great green Goddess, if only!). But my Nonna used to say, " You know how you eat a bear?"

      "One bite at a time."

      i'm sending mega positive healing energy in your direction, lady, and i'll be rooting for you. Rah, rah, rah!

      Delete
    3. UnknownFebruary 20, 2012 at 6:21 AM

      Thank you pepper, *smiles* Do you ever get sick of having issues? Cause I do and AM -.-

      Delete
    4. pepperFebruary 20, 2012 at 6:29 AM

      You're welcome, lady...and yes. yes i do. It's one of the reasons i blog...so i can remember that i'm not the only one who does, and maybe the hand i lend will be the one that's lent. Blessed Be!

      Delete
    5. UnknownFebruary 20, 2012 at 6:30 AM

      and to you pepper, and to you.

      Delete
  2. faerie wingsFebruary 20, 2012 at 2:31 PM

    Isn't it awful when you start slogging through the layers of mud only to find more layers? M and Sarah are willing to slog through those layers with you because they love you too much to let you drown it it.

    I'd just like to add that yes I get very sick of having issues, unfortunately the only way to deal with them is to face them. I've tried ignoring them, didn't work so well for me, lol.

    Hang in there and let M and Sarah hang on to you when you need it :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Master's pieceFebruary 20, 2012 at 4:23 PM

    "I'm just going to be under here until this thing fixes itself kthksbai!"

    LOL You see your blog produces some real gems of entertainment... often when you aren't trying to be funny at all. Fortunately you have too many people in your life, who love and care for you, for that to happen... attractive though it may seem :D

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  4. RedFebruary 20, 2012 at 4:44 PM

    Hiding under your desk? As a place to escape?

    NTFL.

    I love you.

    *kiss*

    ReplyDelete
  5. academicsubFebruary 21, 2012 at 4:50 AM

    You can try and stay under that desk if you like...but someone's going to drag you out. Probably be easier if you just come out of your own volition.

    ReplyDelete
  6. StormFebruary 22, 2012 at 7:46 PM

    Ummm, can I join you under your desk? You're the only one they'll be looking for under there, so I figure it's the perfect place for me. The fridge just really hasn't worked out as a hiding place...

    Good luck slogging through the mud.

    ReplyDelete

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