Xmas fuckery...

As I was watching my youngest in her 6th grade band concert the other night I was searching in vain for my Christmas spirit. Then I saw a couple of little ones dancing down in front of the seats to what was being played. All dressed in Christmas finery, they sang along to Rudolf and Frosty, not caring that the clarinets were squeaking or that one of the drummers was out of sync. It was Christmas and that was all they needed to be joyful.  So what's my problem?  Somehow, somewhere you have to realize that in this life there are things bigger than you and your problems.  Yes the holidays can be depressing with all the commercialism and whatnot.  Yes it accentuates relationships lost as everyone gathers with those near and dear to them.  Yes it seems to embody every single thing that you feel is wrong with your life (lack of money, time, friends etc)  But it should be bigger than that shouldn't it?  As I look at the pile of presents still to be wrapped, I flash back on the utter joy on my girls faces as they open the present they DIDN'T ask for, and found that maybe Santa is as wise as they thought.  As I look around my new house I see the possibilities for creating that place where they can feel comfortable in jammies and bedhead, happily tearing into gifts that they didn't ask for, and maybe don't really deserve, but get anyway because despite it all, they know we love them.  As I catch up on the laundry I pull out my traditional Christmas morning outfit of candy cane pj pants with a santa suit t-shirt that says "Does this outfit make me look fat?" and know that it will illicit the usual groans and questions about my mental capacity, as it does every year.  Christmas is bigger than my little sulky problems and in remembering that, I am going to let it put all those things into perspective.  Because really, it IS bigger than that...  If I let it be...  

Christmas Spirit

I seem to be lacking it this year.  I have no decorations up and the tree is still taking up residence in the garage.  It may have to do with me not having the kids this week so I don't have to pretend to enjoy the commercialism.  It may have to do with the job change.  It may have to do with the fact that Christmas is literally shoved down M's throat all day at his work and my unwillingness to do that at home.  It may have to do with the anniversary of M's Mom's passing.  It may have to do with the sullen teenager and how she's affecting me and my attitude.  *shrugs*  I dunno...

meh...  *trudges out to the garage to get the Christmas boxes out anyway*

One year

I miss her.  She's been gone a year, and she was in my life for even less time than that, but I miss her.  And I kept my promise to her for this last year, and I'll continue for the next.

Emotions

Are evil nasty things.  I'm just passing through the resentment part of the program and trying not to let it spill all over everyone else.  I am now entering the "fuck em" tunnel.