The street is public parking right? So when I parked my work truck in front of my neighbors house instead of my own (camper was there) it should have been ok, right? Less than 15 minutes and she's at the front door bitching cause that's where her boyfriend parks... On the street... Jesus... I handled it badly, while M was at the door trying to calm her down I grabbed my keys, stomped outside, verbally castigated her moved the damn truck then carried the attitude for the next hour. Then claimed that M was yelling at me because of HER attitude. Yeah. Notsomuch. M was being reasonable and just trying to not make waves in the new neighborhood. MY attitude was the one that sucked. I should have trusted that he had my back and that he wasn't agreeing with her that I had parked in the "wrong" spot.
You know these things really do sneak up on me. X would have agreed with the icky bitch. X agreed with damn near everyone that said I was wrong about any-freakin-thing, whether I really was wrong or not. That kind of thing eats away at you and being subjected to it for 15 years eats a BIG hole in your soul. Imagine never being able to be right (unless verified by his mother), never being able to have a good idea (unless verified by his father), never being able to have the support of the one person who is supposed to love you the most (unless prompted by 3rd). When you love someone you support them, even when they're wrong. Nail them later in private, absolutely, but in public? You got their back. I like to think that's what I did, but to be honest I don't remember. My not being able to remember probably means that in typical me fashion I lashed back with the same behavior. Like I did last night. At the wrong person.
Being screwed over by the one that's supposed to love you the most causes all kinds of problems including paranoia. I am a living expression of "everyone is out to screw me over". No. Not everyone. Just X. BIG hole....
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Ok so here's the thing. It takes a lot to actually make me want to have sex with someone. If I'm being totally honest, and I usually am, intercourse with a guy just doesn't turn me on cause there are so many things about it that are just... Yuck... Ya know what I mean? I can count on one hand the amount of men that have actually hit the "want that" button for me. Yes, M is one of them or I damn sure wouldn't have married him. Women on the other hand? Countless. The rules that M has set forth for me are simple and work well for me. I can Top pretty much anyone but no actual intercourse with the men. And the only subbing I'm allowed is to women. Unfortunately this makes me look like a cock-tease. THAT I'm not too happy about, so I am looking for a way to satisfy the men I top without actual intercourse. I can touch them, I asked lol. So I'm wondering if hand jobs are within the limits? I won't do oral on a guy without a condom and that's just -blech- tasting so this makes me wonder if I shouldn't quit topping men. I am quite service oriented no matter what place I'm standing which means that if someone asks me to top them I like saying yes. So the next time someone asks the first thing I'm going to say is you're not going to get off from my style just so we are all up front about that. Sound good? If the answer is yes then all will be well. If the answer is no then the answer to play is no. I don't think the rules are unreasonable. As a matter of fact they work really well for me so if anyone doesn't like it then they don't want to play. Meh...
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Wants
Gah.. M tried something new this morning since we really can't do the whole spanking thing with the kids home. Yeah.. It worked.. Now I'm going to have to take care of this cause being amped up through this heat was not fun lol. He doesn't seem to realize that not everything has to be a "scene". Just the simple act of reaching over my shoulders and grabbing my nipples hard while I'm sitting at my computer in the morning is enough. Just him taking control for those 10 intense seconds vaults me right into the submissive headspace. I know for a lot of subs, pain is their thing, for me it's nice but not necessary. Do I want my ass spanked until it's blazing red? You bet. Do I want to be made to wear a plug at odd and maybe inopportune times? You bet. Do I want my pussy slapped until it's all tender and swollen? Hells yes. Do I want to have my fundies taken away so I'm more aware of it? Yes. Do I want any of that to be my idea? Nope. Just the simple actions of this morning made me horny enough that it lasted through throwing a ladder around in 100 degree temps.
For me the ultimate turn on IS when he takes control away from me, everything else is just frosting on the cake.
For me the ultimate turn on IS when he takes control away from me, everything else is just frosting on the cake.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
New Day
Good news - Today is a new day, got M off to work with his lunch, clean jeans, a hot breakfast and plenty of good liquids to drink as well as his coffee. I got my lunch packed as well lol.
Bad news - Didn't hear from L last night. I guess telling someone the truth isn't always a good thing, but it is a healthy thing. While telling him what I did wasn't calculated, I did think about what I said before I said it. shrugs If he doesn't like the truth only he has the power to change it.
My attitude is better today, while losing my only remaining vanilla friend hurts, I know she's doing what she feels is necessary and right. What burns my ass is that it's because she "believed the teenager". Never believe the teenager, they twist shit and they lie. Their perspectives are skewed. She doesn't think she's a strong person, like that's some sort of excuse for taking his shit. Problem is I know exactly how strong she is. I know exactly why she takes his shit, and I know exactly why he keeps giving it to her. They are on their own now and I wish the best for them. I'll still be here when the storm passes and if you are reading this L? Know that I still love you and if I didn't I wouldn't have said what I did. You're still my favorite queer and always will be.
Bad news - Didn't hear from L last night. I guess telling someone the truth isn't always a good thing, but it is a healthy thing. While telling him what I did wasn't calculated, I did think about what I said before I said it. shrugs If he doesn't like the truth only he has the power to change it.
My attitude is better today, while losing my only remaining vanilla friend hurts, I know she's doing what she feels is necessary and right. What burns my ass is that it's because she "believed the teenager". Never believe the teenager, they twist shit and they lie. Their perspectives are skewed. She doesn't think she's a strong person, like that's some sort of excuse for taking his shit. Problem is I know exactly how strong she is. I know exactly why she takes his shit, and I know exactly why he keeps giving it to her. They are on their own now and I wish the best for them. I'll still be here when the storm passes and if you are reading this L? Know that I still love you and if I didn't I wouldn't have said what I did. You're still my favorite queer and always will be.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Shoe is on the other foot
I had a huge disappointment this morning and I'm not handling it at all well right now. I had this big scene planned with this guy that I absolutely adore for September camp. It was going to be simply -HAWT-. He was going to arrest me for being a cock tease and throw me in prison, I was going to engineer my own escape so he could hunt me down, but when he did, I got to WIN. And by win I mean turn the tables, tie him up, cane the living shit outta him. He's an amazing person, a wonderful and truly genuine friend, and now he's not coming to camp. It's okay, it really is! He's doing set-up that week for another huge event and it's going to be really good for him. He's doing what he needs to do to be happy and I'm happy for him for that. But down deep (please let it be really really deep) corner of my soul, I'm dealing with an emotion that I'm all too familiar with. I have no right to it. It's ugly and counter productive, and ugly, and hurty. I'm jealous. Dammit. I thought I had better control over it than this.
Once upon a time I was a very different person. I was possessive and jealous and all the ugliness that goes with those things. I hurt a lot of people, and myself fairly regularly because I didn't have any control over these things. I didn't know how to process it and let it go. I've watched as he has developed friendships in this lifestyle, even regular playmates and it has built and built and built until today. I stopped myself from sending a note to him that was mean and hurtful when I saw him post that he would be on set-up for this other event which meant that he would not be coming to TT. Which means that this scene that I've been tormenting both him and I with isn't going to happen. I enjoy topping, especially someone that I feel that resonance with. That attraction, that isn't really sexual, but it is definitely attraction. And now I'm not going to get what I want when I want it dammit. Not really pretty but there it is. *sigh* I wish him the best, I've acknowledged the ugliness, now I need to let it go. It helps because I do like him so much that I really want him to be happy and to do what's best for him. It also helps that I know he's not responsible for my emotions, only I am. It helps that camp is camp and there are many amazing wonderful opportunities for play there with other people that I adore. It helps that he's following a parallel path to me, and that I will keep in touch with him, the occasional phone call, the occasional txt. None of which lessens the jealousy one bit, but it does help me manage it. In time I will accept that it wasn't meant to be, that it's not that I'm not an attraction for him as well, it's just that other things are more important. That it's not him, it's not me, it just is and I love him anyway. And who knows, maybe we will get that scene some time in the future. If we don't, we don't, if we do, awesome.
THIS is why I'm crabby this morning. This one thing that really isn't that huge in the grand scene that is life, is the reason I'm out of sorts. It's brings to the front all the other disappointments I've had lately; M not being able to read my mind, a person that I thought was a really good friend showing me that I was only an option on her list of friends instead of a priority, lack of contact with another friend because she's busy with family stuffs, another friend showing me that he is indeed truly 18 and not the wonder-kid that he has proved himself to be in the past, my own inability to handle a move and not drop the ball (M had no clean jeans this morning for work), my not experiencing that awful emotion known as jealousy. (notice all of those are completely unreasonable?) I'll get over myself. Promise.
Once upon a time I was a very different person. I was possessive and jealous and all the ugliness that goes with those things. I hurt a lot of people, and myself fairly regularly because I didn't have any control over these things. I didn't know how to process it and let it go. I've watched as he has developed friendships in this lifestyle, even regular playmates and it has built and built and built until today. I stopped myself from sending a note to him that was mean and hurtful when I saw him post that he would be on set-up for this other event which meant that he would not be coming to TT. Which means that this scene that I've been tormenting both him and I with isn't going to happen. I enjoy topping, especially someone that I feel that resonance with. That attraction, that isn't really sexual, but it is definitely attraction. And now I'm not going to get what I want when I want it dammit. Not really pretty but there it is. *sigh* I wish him the best, I've acknowledged the ugliness, now I need to let it go. It helps because I do like him so much that I really want him to be happy and to do what's best for him. It also helps that I know he's not responsible for my emotions, only I am. It helps that camp is camp and there are many amazing wonderful opportunities for play there with other people that I adore. It helps that he's following a parallel path to me, and that I will keep in touch with him, the occasional phone call, the occasional txt. None of which lessens the jealousy one bit, but it does help me manage it. In time I will accept that it wasn't meant to be, that it's not that I'm not an attraction for him as well, it's just that other things are more important. That it's not him, it's not me, it just is and I love him anyway. And who knows, maybe we will get that scene some time in the future. If we don't, we don't, if we do, awesome.
THIS is why I'm crabby this morning. This one thing that really isn't that huge in the grand scene that is life, is the reason I'm out of sorts. It's brings to the front all the other disappointments I've had lately; M not being able to read my mind, a person that I thought was a really good friend showing me that I was only an option on her list of friends instead of a priority, lack of contact with another friend because she's busy with family stuffs, another friend showing me that he is indeed truly 18 and not the wonder-kid that he has proved himself to be in the past, my own inability to handle a move and not drop the ball (M had no clean jeans this morning for work), my not experiencing that awful emotion known as jealousy. (notice all of those are completely unreasonable?) I'll get over myself. Promise.
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