I had a huge disappointment this morning and I'm not handling it at all well right now. I had this big scene planned with this guy that I absolutely adore for September camp. It was going to be simply -HAWT-. He was going to arrest me for being a cock tease and throw me in prison, I was going to engineer my own escape so he could hunt me down, but when he did, I got to WIN. And by win I mean turn the tables, tie him up, cane the living shit outta him. He's an amazing person, a wonderful and truly genuine friend, and now he's not coming to camp. It's okay, it really is! He's doing set-up that week for another huge event and it's going to be really good for him. He's doing what he needs to do to be happy and I'm happy for him for that. But down deep (please let it be really really deep) corner of my soul, I'm dealing with an emotion that I'm all too familiar with. I have no right to it. It's ugly and counter productive, and ugly, and hurty. I'm jealous. Dammit. I thought I had better control over it than this.
Once upon a time I was a very different person. I was possessive and jealous and all the ugliness that goes with those things. I hurt a lot of people, and myself fairly regularly because I didn't have any control over these things. I didn't know how to process it and let it go. I've watched as he has developed friendships in this lifestyle, even regular playmates and it has built and built and built until today. I stopped myself from sending a note to him that was mean and hurtful when I saw him post that he would be on set-up for this other event which meant that he would not be coming to TT. Which means that this scene that I've been tormenting both him and I with isn't going to happen. I enjoy topping, especially someone that I feel that resonance with. That attraction, that isn't really sexual, but it is definitely attraction. And now I'm not going to get what I want when I want it dammit. Not really pretty but there it is. *sigh* I wish him the best, I've acknowledged the ugliness, now I need to let it go. It helps because I do like him so much that I really want him to be happy and to do what's best for him. It also helps that I know he's not responsible for my emotions, only I am. It helps that camp is camp and there are many amazing wonderful opportunities for play there with other people that I adore. It helps that he's following a parallel path to me, and that I will keep in touch with him, the occasional phone call, the occasional txt. None of which lessens the jealousy one bit, but it does help me manage it. In time I will accept that it wasn't meant to be, that it's not that I'm not an attraction for him as well, it's just that other things are more important. That it's not him, it's not me, it just is and I love him anyway. And who knows, maybe we will get that scene some time in the future. If we don't, we don't, if we do, awesome.
THIS is why I'm crabby this morning. This one thing that really isn't that huge in the grand scene that is life, is the reason I'm out of sorts. It's brings to the front all the other disappointments I've had lately; M not being able to read my mind, a person that I thought was a really good friend showing me that I was only an option on her list of friends instead of a priority, lack of contact with another friend because she's busy with family stuffs, another friend showing me that he is indeed truly 18 and not the wonder-kid that he has proved himself to be in the past, my own inability to handle a move and not drop the ball (M had no clean jeans this morning for work), my not experiencing that awful emotion known as jealousy. (notice all of those are completely unreasonable?) I'll get over myself. Promise.
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