Nightmares

Ok, it's been a rough week.  I quit taking the spendy sleeping pills for a couple of very valid reasons.  1.  I was waking up through them just like when I wasn't taking them  2.  $180 a month out of my flex-care card that wasn't planned for at the once a year adjustment thingy  3. I hate sleeping pills because I know they are addictive  4.  I feel like at 43 I should be over what ever bullshit is causing me to not sleep.  So instead of arguing with M about it, (which is invariably what happens whenever I want to change a medication) when my insurance wouldn't cover the amount of sleeping pills the dr wanted to proscribe, I took it as a sign and just didn't get them refilled.  Three days later he figured it out.  I went through a bit of withdrawal, which wasn't nearly as bad as when I went off paxul, and the usual I can't sleep for 2 days, then I started sleeping like a brick for about 4 hrs a night.  M was "surprised" and didn't think it was a good idea.  And thought I should at least have some on hand if it got too bad.  So we "argued" about it for a couple of those days.  Our version of arguing is me being insecure and saying sorry about everything and him getting pissed that I'm acting like that, which just fuels the insecurity etc etc etc.  Then we talk about it.  He fully understood why I did it, which didn't change his opinion about keeping some on hand, which fixed the insecurity, etc etc etc.

Ok, fast forward to last night.  We have been talking for quite a while about my inability to cry.  I was Pavlovian trained by my mother that crying was bad.  She'd hit me, I'd cry, she'd hit me harder for crying literally until I stopped.  End result?  I don't cry when it's appropriate to.  I don't cry, ever.  You really really have to break my heart or do something that just emotionally wrecks me to get tears.  Tears are good for you, they are a catharsis.  It was proven long ago that crying actually releases some chemicals in your body that help you handle stress.  I WANT to be able to cry.  I don't want my icky bitch of a mother to win that battle.  I want that ability back.  So being the logical pervert that I am, I talked to M about re-training me to cry.  It took forever but I remembered something that happened a while ago, we were fighting for whatever stupid reason, and I couldn't talk about why I was pissed but we had a play party to go to.  I walked into the party and the lovely Ms J took one look at me, pulled me over to the side, put my on my knees by my hair and slapped my face a couple of times until I started bawling.  She is the one and only person that can merrily tromp all over my limits like that lol.  Then she held me for about an hour and cried with me and BINGO damn if I didn't feel just peachy!  I think I had deliberately blocked that insti-scene out of my head when M and I started talking about this.  He has never slapped my face or grabbed my throat.  They have always been hard limits of mine, always.  Well I reminded him of that and we discussed it and discussed it, and agreed that we would give it a try.  Have I told you its been a rough week?  Well I wrecked a surprise that M was trying to pull on me last night, and he always gets so disappointed in me when I do that that its one of the few ways I can actually earn a punishment.  The lecture took up the entire time we were cleaning up after dinner and then he ordered me upstairs, where the lecture continued while he started punishing me.  Then he lifted me by my throat, started fucking me from behind, punctuating his lecture with slaps to my face while holding my head back by my hair.  It took three.  I was a sobbing snotty remorseful mess.  I bawled through the rest of my punishment and he continued to fuck me but he started praising me for letting it out and and and..  Yeah, it was hawt.  I was exhausted so he dressed me in my pj's and tucked me into bed.  And I had nightmares about my mother all friggen night....  Definitely need more aftercare when we do that... (no I don't need an ipad to communicate)