Fraud

Ever feel like a fraud when it comes to orientation?  I do, all the damn time.  I am now listed as queer even though I have no thoughts of ever sexually entertaining men.  I top one guy in particular all the time and am married to M, but that's about the limit of it.  I really just can't get anything else going for guys.  This morning is a perfect example.  I followed one of my friends who is bi to a picture expecting to find a lovely girl to look at and it was a man.  The picture really was well done, it was definitely an attractive example of man, but I admired that and the composition of the pic.  Honestly the only reason I remarked on it was so my not-so-queer friends had something nice to look at.  I know women have dreams of some big strong man taking hold of them, slamming them down on the bed and having their wicked way with them, and I did too, until I met M.  Anything that I needed met by a male he does, so I find myself turning more and more lesbian in my tastes.  Any idea how many poly lesbians there are out there?  Notsomany.  Especially ones like me, that don't do casual sex.  I want a relationship, not sex.  Well, yeah I want sex too, duh, but having a girlfriend is the goal.
I've mentioned this before but it bears repeating.  I've had a couple of more hopefuls but they've been added to the list of non-starters.  I haven't given up though, as a matter of fact I'm trying to put together some pithy, under 30 word, funny explanation on my fet profile so people don't see "married" and pass on by.


Any suggestions from my clever friends?

Another whack job brain fart

You know I've joked for years that the only place I'm comfortable is at home.  From Wiki - Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder characterized by anxiety in situations where it is perceived to be difficult or embarrassing to escape. These situations can include, but are not limited to, wide-open spaces, crowds, and uncontrollable social situations such as may be met in shopping malls, airports, and on bridges. Agorophobia is defined within the DSM-IV TR as a subset of panic disorder, involving the fear of incurring a panic attack in those environments. The sufferer may go to great lengths to avoid those situations, in severe cases becoming unable to leave their home or safe haven.

Now the question is, how to manage it.

Tired

I honestly don't know what goes on in my own head some times.  I had a prime opportunity for play this last weekend as we were at Madtown Kinkfest.  Instead I spent the entire weekend sulky and bratty and absolutely just being a bitch because we weren't at home, I didn't want to stay at a hotel, blah blah blah.  I made myself and M miserable to the point that everyone noticed that I was "off".

*sigh*

Last night M announced that we were going to "work on this issue".  (shudders) So here we go again.  I get that he needs to train me, and I get that this is for my own good.  I even get that I am the most hard-headed individual on the face of the planet so sometimes extreme measures are called for, like telling me to take off his collar.  (it just about got thrown at him)  But damnit why can't he leave this part of my psyche alone?  I was in tears twice last night, once from him when he poked and prodded until he found out why I had such a bad reaction to events.  The other time was from Sarahnade.


vixen.4770: *drums fingers on the desktop*
vixen.4770: I thought you were supposed to be on my side?
sarahnade Gina: if that would involve enabling an unhealthy behavior...nope
sarahnade Gina: friends don't do that
vixen.4770: *sigh*
vixen.4770: you two are bound and determined to make me normal aren't you
sarahnade Gina: love means you want the absolute best for the person...not the easiest way out
sarahnade Gina: yep
sarahnade Gina: we will believe that you can heal in this until you believe it yourself...how is that?

Why does having two people willing to slog through the mud of my past with me somehow make this harder?  Lets add a bit of guilt on top of the mess, M and Sarah didn't get to play at all because he was too busy "tending to my situation".

*crawls under desk*

I'm just going to be under here until this thing fixes itself kthksbai!