Who me?

I'm not anal about the house.  Comes from growing up in a situation that involved the white glove test every Saturday morning after chores were done, but this is ridiculous!  Boxes everywhere, nothing on my walls, I have to have the grooming shop functional by noon and I can't even walk down there right now.  M has been a pillar of strength for me as well as my favorite work horse.  I have to get the plumbing done, he is getting the tub put together.  Last night I got the lawn mowed and the weed whacking mostly done (thanks to the youngest witchlet) and I even bought flowers to put in the front hanging baskets!  I'll get there, honest I will even if it doesn't look like it right now.  My world is slowly returning to sane, I even got to start today with a spanking :D  Have a good day everyone!

Done, done, just fricken done.

Well the old apartment is all clean, keys left in the cabinet, and I never have to go back there again.  Well physically anyway.  Now comes the hard part.  The calls from my former landlord that the yard isn't good enough, the basement isn't good enough, that I'm not being fair and that she's done SOOO much for me and I can't even return the favor.  Let's think about this for a minute...  Which favor do I return.  The rent free for a month so I could get the place habitable enough (it was disgusting, srsly) for me to be comfortable moving my children in there without worrying about them walking through dog and cat piss, finding things in holes in the walls, actually having a floor you can lay on instead of only walk on with shoes?  Or shall i return the favor of her letting me dig through the junk pile in her yard to find something suitable for a grooming tub (which she now says I can "buy" from her) so that I could continue to work and support my children?  Or should I return the favor she did by forcing me to teach my children about how to deal with a raging alcoholic?  Maybe I should pass out in her yard a few times like she did in mine (Mommy I can't wake her up and I'm scared!  LOVED getting that phone call at work).  Or the time she wanted to go to the haunted house and needed a driver so she could pour her whiskey into a medication bottle and drink all the way there and back after getting us kicked out 1/3 of the way through the damn thing.  Then there was the junk she pushed on me and yes I know I could have told her no, but I found over the years that it was easier to just take the crap (birdbath that didn't hold water, concrete pedestal that was broken in two, entertainment center that didn't even fit a 19in TV, 40 yr old bedroom set that had half the laminate peeling off) then listen to "someone will like it even if it's not good enough for you".  And let us not forget the absolutely grand gesture of hers to pay my friends daughter for doing yard work for her with marijuana 

Let's be honest.  She did do a few things that I should be grateful for, like keeping my rent low at first so I could afford an apartment big enough that my girls didn't have to share a room.  Letting me pay my security deposit in increments.  Not kicking me out when I got behind on rent so I could have presents for my girls at Christmas.  Paying half the plumbing bill to get the shop set up, even though she wouldn't let me do the plumbing myself which would have eliminated the need for a plumber.  She even let me borrow her truck once when mine was broken.  But how grateful do I have to be?  I am the one that increased the rent to a reasonable one.  I am the one that paid for every speck of paint, carpet, light fixtures and maintenance on the apartment for 4 years.  I'm the one that paid the electric on the dehumidifier because she couldn't be bothered to actually fix the basement so that there wasn't a river running through it for half the year, with the accompanying mold issues.  I'm the one that dealt with crap electric that still had fuses and cloth insulation on the wiring.  I'm the one that fixed the outlets because literally half of them didn't work.  I'm the one that put in flower beds and gardens and an actual fence that separated the yards so that both the upstairs apartment and the downstairs apartment could have dogs, thereby increasing her rent for the upstairs unit AND increasing the property value.  I'm the one that placated half her tenants when she went to jail for drunk driving for 90 days and things weren't fixed.

I'd say that we're even...

Lost and Found

Our very first camp trystedtwist.com, we met a wonderful couple whom we chatted with, played with, became friends with.  Lots have changed with said couple over the last few years with one huge thing being the most important.  The sub of the couple was diagnosed with cancer.  He ended up back with his very vanilla wife, leaving his Mistress of 8 years, for whatever reason.  I suspect it has something to do with health insurance, don't most major illnesses?  He wrote us a very nice letter explaining the situation and he then cut off all contact with us.  This morning I got a lovely surprise when he popped me into chat!  He's alive and healthy if not very happy but according to him, he did what he needed to do.  Ok.  I get that.  I do.  But I was WORRIED about him.  What are friends for if not to support you in your time of need?  What are friends for if not to happily provide a shoulder when you need it?  What was the point of cutting us out of his life?  I understand that his wife is vanilla but it's not like I'm fucking him or something!  See that's the thing about this kink world we live in, it's easy to make really great friends because we all have something in common.  We are all considered social deviants of whatever flavor which gives us a great starting point for conversation.  Plus we are all incredibly accepting of other people no matter what their particular kink is.  So why did he feel the need to cut us off?  His wife is vanilla..blah blah blah.. I get it.  Still, it hurt my wittle feewins...

Wanting vs Getting

What I wanted last night was to give M a full body massage and then for him to tie me up, flog the living hell out of me then fuck me silly, preferably with some anal in there.  What I got was 4 hrs of cleaning my old apartment while arguing with M most of the evening about whether the new grooming tub would be ready by Saturday.

In my own defense, only the first remark I made about the tub was meant to be snarky.  All the other ones were completely innocent inquiries as to how the work was proceeding, but when the first comment is antagonistic, you can't really blame the poor man for thinking all the other ones are as well.  In my vanilla marriage, I had to nag, whine, bitch and harass in order to get the X to do anything.  It was a constant exercise in new and creative verbal abuse (from me) to get him to finish ANY project.   I had lost count over the years of the amount of half finished, half assed projects laying around the house simply because either X didn't know how to do them (and wouldn't admit it), couldn't be bothered to finish them because they weren't important to HIM, or whatever other reason he thought was valid at the time.

Now then there is M.  He consistently finishes what he starts, and isn't afraid to admit it when it's something he just doesn't know how to do.  So why did the first remark come out so bad?  Because 15 years of training can't be changed over night.  Do I think that M is X?  Well obviously not.  Do I think M won't get the tub done?  Nope.  I have every confidence that despite the man's proclivities for being consistently late, he will get it done in time for the first appointment of the day on Saturday.  Does M know how important this is to me?  Yep.  Did I apologize nicely for being a nagging bitch about it?  Yep  Did I explain that only the first remark was sarcastic and the other ones innocent?  Yep  Did it make it all better?  Dunno, that's up to him isn't it.

See, I can be trained.

Picking my own brain is sort of the point of this. I write better than I talk and I often need to 'talk out' what my brain is doing because its a contrary beast and doesn't always play nice with my conscious mind. This last weekend was a good example. With the move M and I hadn't had a chance to really connect in quite a while. So I specifically asked for him to take charge all weekend and to play HARD with me all weekend. He started just wonderfully but then Sat morning rolled around and nada... So by the time we got to the play party that evening I had a good head of resentment built up. Well let's think about this for a minute. Sat morning I was back in mission mode because there is so much to do from the move yet, so which signal is he supposed to follow? Again with the brain not playing nice because to be honest I never even saw the mixed signal. What I wanted was that control that he's so wonderful at. I wanted him to kick me out of mission mode but that wasn't what I told him was it...
Communication is a skill that I seriously need to improve on.