Drama Llama

Ok, so it's no big secret that I'm looking for a girlfriend. I've dated quite a few over the last couple of years but none of them seemed to get past the first or maybe second date. Either the chemistry wasn't right, the timing wasn't right, or I just didn't "click". See now that sounds like I'm the one that broke it off, and I'm not. Well, mostly. Ok, it was me. Is it really too much to ask that there be one girl out there that carries her own luggage? Are all women my age drama llama's? Understand that there is a difference between sharing experiences, feelings, venting, needing a shoulder, and splattering your tears all over the world about every-little-damn-thing. When 20 people tell you a guy is bad news, and you date him ANYWAY, then whine that he was a jerk. I got nothing for ya. If a guy treats you like crap, and you STAY in the relationship past the point of sanity, I got nothing for ya. If your children are monsters to you and you enable their behavior, I got nothing for ya. If you honestly believe the world should pity you because life handed you a hard time, I got nothing for ya. If you have a decent job that you like, good kids, a smokin body and a cute face and yet are a festering sore of self-hatred, again, got nothin. Seriously. If you lie to me or just flat out refuse to tell me about your current relationship status or just tease me over the internet for months then refuse to meet me (in a public place with tons of people around). Again with the nothin.

All that being said, we are seeing a girl for the third time this weekend. So far no huge red flags have popped up so I am trying to control my natural cynicism. Wish me luck!

*crickets*

I asked M if we were going to play this weekend.  He said "A lot, I have some aggression's to work out."

Oh good...

If you don't hear from me by Monday, it was nice knowing Ya'll.

;)

Nightmares

One of my biggest issues with my relationship with L and the X was that I was never allowed to be in a bad mood.  Ever. The day of my hysterectomy was one of the worst days of my life.  My sister who was supposed to take me to the hospital in the morning called the night before and cancelled because it was her partners b-day.  L couldn't do it because she had to get her kid ready and to school,  X had to get our kids ready for school so I got dropped off at the hospital and sat there by myself until shortly before the surgery, alone.  Terrified cause I don't like dr's and hospitals are worse.  L got there as soon as she could and was there when I went in. My sister was still a no-show.  I went through the surgery and it went well. The next morning I was released and went home. That very night X looks at me and said "well I'm going to darts and to L's after,  you'll be ok with the kids (5 months and 5yrs old at the time)?  I very sarcastically through the haze of painkillers said "sure,  why wouldn't I be". He left.  My tenant had to come down and watch the kids cause there was no way I could.  Nice, right?  I was just a bit crabby the next day as a result.  When I took both of them to task for it I was told I wasn't allowed to be crabby because I said he could go.  Srsly?  This is just an example of how I was habitually treated in the relationship.  I could list incident after incident where simple common decency would have solved issues but it wasn't applied to me and I had no right to be pissed off.  Ever. 


So I have had a pretty bad couple of weeks what with the withdrawl from my old meds,  the ac in my work truck breaking in the middle of a heat wave, the local sup giving away the spare truck that I was supposed to have so I could get that fixed (twice), and working in an area that has 5 acre yards and is back yard aerial. After all that, and M being just as sweet as sweet could be lately, why did I have such horrible nightmares about this very thing last night?

Happiness is...

Having almost no side effects.... so far.
Having M enforce his rules.
Having a clear enough head to be able to deal with ttwd.
Having good friends that support you (thank you Lizbert).
Having a 'normal' emotional range.
Having a Master that loves me enough to put up with the medication merry-go-round.