I'm NOT stupid.... Much

I GOT AN A ON MY ADVANCE PLC'S TEST!!



Rockin...

That is all...

Day 4,167

At least that's what it feels like.  I hate journalling.  

I asked for some deep dark nasty play using a known trigger.  I love lizzybug with my whole heart but she makes me think evil thoughts.  I guess it's good for me because it's dealing with crap from my past and the more I deal with it, the faster it goes away.  I'm just worried that I shouldn't do that with Don.  I know it hurts him when he deals with the nasties in my past because there is nothing he can do to fix them, or at least that's what I think it does.  I don't want to break him.  Ya know people laugh when he says he isn't a sadist, but he's really not, he's a service top, a dominant, and a loving partner. The sadist in the house is me :D  I can happily play in the darkest nasties spots and draw emotional angst out of anyone and it does nothing more to me than turns me on.  I'm a bit of a sociopath.  Just a bit though.  I have not only embraced that side of myself, I have done so with a great deal of enthusiasm.  :D  I could post proof, but that'd be tattling.

same old...

Another day, more stuff processed.  Had a punishment and had to have a discussion with Red about the different intensities necessary for me and Lizzy.  Meh.. he was plenty intense for me.  Fricken Delrin cane..

Work work work.

 I had fun today even if it was a slow day.  I did ok with the anxiety right up until Adrienne asked if I wanted to hit the bar for a burger and a beer.  I wanted to say yes.  I said no.  I also told her to keep asking.  One day the answer will be yes.

Here we go again...

I'm required to journal.  She (my new therapist) never reads them.  So guess what, I'm journaling here.  If you don't like mental vomit, emotional regurgitation, me whining or the constant complaints of how stupid I think I am?

Leave...

now would be good...

So what prompted the trip to seek a therapist is the simple fact that I let my social anxiety get the better of me.  I went to camp and spent 4 days hiding in the corner of my camper, in the bed, with the curtains drawn.  Somewhere in the last three years of change, something pushed me over the edge.  I believe it was because my pharmacy switched generic name brands.  The new one sucked ass.  I was back in my corner in two weeks.  At least that's what I think it was.  Well that and having two teenage daughters, one of which is never going to live to see 19.  Because I'm gonna kill her.  I talked to the med doc about it, he recommended talk therapy and if that doesn't help, then medication.  Have I mentioned that I love my doc?  His name is Herb and he has pictures of different herbs all over his office ( the cooking ones).  He's hilarious and cool as hell.  Plus he got my depression meds fixed in a heartbeat.  The not sleeping thing has got him stumped but I'm getting 4 or 5 hours of solid sleep a night.  To me, that's a win.  The other thing the switchypoo did was bring back my depression (duh) and the switch back to the original brand of generic hasn't fixed it.  So he upped that a bit (doubled fer gosake).  Today was the first day of the new dosage.  *shrugs*  Nothing happening yet.

On lighter news, I got 12 pints of plum-wonderberry jam, 10 quarts of chili base, 8 quarts of spaghetti base, and roughly 6 pints of brussel sprouts out of the garden and processed (with Master's help).  The brussel sprouts came from the farmers market because mine were a big fat failure.  We ate the broccoli and most of the beans as they came so none of that got stored, I have a fuckton of carrots to get out pretty soon, and 2 paper grocery bags full of apples to make into apple filling and apple butt.  No I didn't spell it wrong, that's what we call it.  I think I'm going to need more jars.