Ok... WTF

So I was feeling like shit this morning.  Bad enough that I went back to bed and slept for another 4 hours.  After he gets home from work and sits for a minute he orders me into the shower.  I shower, he fucks the hell out of me at high speed.  Think pile driver - not even remotely his usual speed - and orders me to wear the njoy to work.  I managed to talk him out of THAT particular piece of insanity.  I am liking the new rules still even if some of them are a pain in the ass.  Like journaling....  But you take the good with the bad right?

Tired

Anyone ever get tired of dealing with your own crap?  Yeah...  That's me right now.

Fine.....

Is this a case of be careful what you wish for?

We are so screwed..

Still here...

It's been a rough couple of days, with a new emotional vomit every damn day, but I'm still here...

....

Tonight is bad.  I'm beating myself rather harshly for having the stupid social anxiety crap that missing out on seeing my friends and being with M and L.  I'm having stupid thoughts and I'mm resisting the urge to interupt them because my mess doesn't have to ruin their night.I know they would want me to if I needed them but again...  My mess..

Last scene

Ok, so our last scene went pear-shaped.  But we stuck with it and worked it out and it ended up being fun fun fun.

Now we have a new one we're planning and it's scaring the hell out of me.  To the point I don't want to talk about it.  But I have to talk about it if I don't want it to go pear-shaped.

uhg..

OH and I turned the comments back on  :)

Serenity

Serenity is having classes cancelled for the day and taking the time to re-arrange the jungle

You know it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDJ_Mz8ftqI

Another day, another dollar

I had to deal with a fucktard at work.  Again... I hate dog owners that think that once or twice a year is enough to groom their dog who should be coming in every 8 weeks at a minimum.  And I'm very proud of myself for letting the desk girl talk to them and keeping my filter-less mouth in the shop.  I barely got the dog up on the table before she started attacking me and my helper.  We got the muzzle on her and she still made us work for every swipe of the clipper.  My helper is 16 and while he has a great deal of experience with dogs, he just doesn't have the skills to handle something like that yet.  And I'm terrified of him getting bit.  On the good side he worked so fast and so well, he had all my dogs bathed and in dryers by noon.  :D  So I got home by 6, which is a win!  He's more than worth the $5 a dog plus $5 for cleaning and splitting tips with him.

The new meds are working like a charm.  My psych guy suggested that we try a stimulant during the day so I'm fully awake, then maybe I'll sleep better.  I need to call him monday.  I tried one of my daughter's focalin, and the difference was simply amazing.  I don't know that it helped my sleep, but I sure do better at school and work.  It's another med.  I know that, but instead of using those to manage something I have no control over, this will help me DO BETTER IN SCHOOL.


Win...

Worth repeating....

Remember that adorable little puppy?  The one that was 31 pounds at 12 weeks?  95 pounds and a cow... but at least he doesn't pee in the house anymore.  Much...


I lost my one vanilla friend.  Now I have no vanilla friends.  Remember this friend?

Spending a FUCKTON more time with her lately.  In all sorts of different ways.

Rockin...

The 16 yr old that I was gonna kill?

Survived to be 18.  Now her survival is up to her.  She ain't doing so great at it...  All I can say is 18 gives ME a ton more power than it gives the 18 yr old.

And the 13 yr old?  She's enjoying her status of being an only child while she's here.  She still has to share everything at her Dads.  She's an anime freak and is enjoying herself back in the huge regular school.  By her choice.  I did NOT agree but I give her much much more power over her own life than I did her sister.  This one is capable of it.  No I'm not posting a picture of my 13yr old on a kinky blog.  Especially since she has more breasts than either her sister or I did at that age. and her first relationship was with Cassie.  Her second one was with a boy, and she proclaims loudly and proudly that she's Bi-sexual.

Let's see...  What else do I need to update?  M and I are still going strong,  He got me a garden for Mothers Day.  Does he know me or what?

anyhow, that's all.  If I forgot something, let me know :)

I'm NOT stupid.... Much

I GOT AN A ON MY ADVANCE PLC'S TEST!!



Rockin...

That is all...

Day 4,167

At least that's what it feels like.  I hate journalling.  

I asked for some deep dark nasty play using a known trigger.  I love lizzybug with my whole heart but she makes me think evil thoughts.  I guess it's good for me because it's dealing with crap from my past and the more I deal with it, the faster it goes away.  I'm just worried that I shouldn't do that with Don.  I know it hurts him when he deals with the nasties in my past because there is nothing he can do to fix them, or at least that's what I think it does.  I don't want to break him.  Ya know people laugh when he says he isn't a sadist, but he's really not, he's a service top, a dominant, and a loving partner. The sadist in the house is me :D  I can happily play in the darkest nasties spots and draw emotional angst out of anyone and it does nothing more to me than turns me on.  I'm a bit of a sociopath.  Just a bit though.  I have not only embraced that side of myself, I have done so with a great deal of enthusiasm.  :D  I could post proof, but that'd be tattling.

same old...

Another day, more stuff processed.  Had a punishment and had to have a discussion with Red about the different intensities necessary for me and Lizzy.  Meh.. he was plenty intense for me.  Fricken Delrin cane..

Work work work.

 I had fun today even if it was a slow day.  I did ok with the anxiety right up until Adrienne asked if I wanted to hit the bar for a burger and a beer.  I wanted to say yes.  I said no.  I also told her to keep asking.  One day the answer will be yes.

Here we go again...

I'm required to journal.  She (my new therapist) never reads them.  So guess what, I'm journaling here.  If you don't like mental vomit, emotional regurgitation, me whining or the constant complaints of how stupid I think I am?

Leave...

now would be good...

So what prompted the trip to seek a therapist is the simple fact that I let my social anxiety get the better of me.  I went to camp and spent 4 days hiding in the corner of my camper, in the bed, with the curtains drawn.  Somewhere in the last three years of change, something pushed me over the edge.  I believe it was because my pharmacy switched generic name brands.  The new one sucked ass.  I was back in my corner in two weeks.  At least that's what I think it was.  Well that and having two teenage daughters, one of which is never going to live to see 19.  Because I'm gonna kill her.  I talked to the med doc about it, he recommended talk therapy and if that doesn't help, then medication.  Have I mentioned that I love my doc?  His name is Herb and he has pictures of different herbs all over his office ( the cooking ones).  He's hilarious and cool as hell.  Plus he got my depression meds fixed in a heartbeat.  The not sleeping thing has got him stumped but I'm getting 4 or 5 hours of solid sleep a night.  To me, that's a win.  The other thing the switchypoo did was bring back my depression (duh) and the switch back to the original brand of generic hasn't fixed it.  So he upped that a bit (doubled fer gosake).  Today was the first day of the new dosage.  *shrugs*  Nothing happening yet.

On lighter news, I got 12 pints of plum-wonderberry jam, 10 quarts of chili base, 8 quarts of spaghetti base, and roughly 6 pints of brussel sprouts out of the garden and processed (with Master's help).  The brussel sprouts came from the farmers market because mine were a big fat failure.  We ate the broccoli and most of the beans as they came so none of that got stored, I have a fuckton of carrots to get out pretty soon, and 2 paper grocery bags full of apples to make into apple filling and apple butt.  No I didn't spell it wrong, that's what we call it.  I think I'm going to need more jars.