Sharing is caring...

Well after about 6 hrs of fucked up nightmares concerning emotions like jealousy, envy and despair, I gave it up and got up.  What was I dreaming about?  Our lovely friend, we'll call her S.
      I need to brain dump this so bear with me OK?  M has seasonal affect disorder which means for about 3 months a year, he tends to hide in his corner under his sun lamp.  When he gets too bad, I say something to him and he is more aware of his actions and takes steps to get out of his corner more, play more, BE with me more.  He's actually doing wonderful with it this year.
     My jealousy isn't stemming from his attention to her, or at least not as much as you might think.  My jealousy is stemming from her attention to HIM.  Yes I'm an idiot.  A couple of notable things: She's straight (mostly), she and I are forging our own relationship as friends, I do get to top her, she's not really switchy other than the throw you under the bus type of switchy.  So what is my problem?  I think it's more about possessiveness than jealousy.  I get everything that he does with the addition of our developing friendship.  I just don't want to share her.  God that's ugly.
     I am the one that does most of the "mentor" things like make sure she takes her vitamins and meds, daily check-ins, maintaining her book, that sort of thing, and I really like doing it.  I try to get over to see her, to get my hands on her even if it's just for a hug at least once a week.  We chat every morning and most evenings on messenger.  I guess it's understandable that when she's actually here, I want some "alone" play time with her but to be honest, play time is more for him.  Cause she's mostly straight.

All the cute ones are either straight or taken.  In this case?  Both.

     I don't want her to feel bad about this, and I'm not trying to change her over.  I could no more make her gay than I could make me straight, and if I'm being honest, this isn't really about sex, and that is what orientation is about, yes?  It's about her time, attention, and affection.  I love how she balances me.  I love how she can get me to do things that I hate, and do them gracefully, not stomping off muttering.  We SHOPPED for crying out loud.  And I didn't even whine much. 
*sigh*
Yeah, yeah, I'll get over my bad self.
I'll share.
Maybe