Why I have children...

I totally pinched this from the Rants From Mommyland Blog because after waking up at 3am completely drenched from night-sweats, after about 4 hrs of sleep, knowing that I have to work and deal with customers all day, this made me spray my computer with coffee and giggle while I cleaned it up.  I can totally see my two witchlets having this argument.

The Scene: 9:15pm. A dark and cool house in suburbia. Two children,  J (age 8) and K (age 4) are "asleep" upstairs. All the lights are out in the house and Dad is desperate to have a beer and watch Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Mom is at a Board Meeting.

Dad is reclined on the coach, when he hears the gentle creek of the stairs. J is creeping downstairs. Dad gets up and meets her in the darkened foyer.

Dad: What's up, sweetheart?

J: I can't sleep. My pillow smells like vagina.

Dad: (*blink*)

The house is dead silent as the two stare at one another for a seeming eternity that lasts all of 5 seconds.

Dad: Excuse me?

J: My pillow smells like K's vagina.

Dad: (*blink*)

J: (breathlessly) K took of all of her clothes and touched herself and didn't wash her hands and then touched my pillow and now I can't sleep because my pillow smells like vagina.

Dad: (meekly) Go to bed.

J: (exasperated) Daaaad! I can't. It stinks.

Dad: Let's go to your room.

The two march upstairs, J leading the way while Dad follows behind, wondering just how the hell he found himself in this situation, and how was he going to resolve it.

They enter the bedroom, where J ups the ante. She removes the pillow from the bed and thrusts it at Dad.

J: Smell it.

Dad: (scared shitless and flustered) I don't think that's necessary, just go to bed (he's pleading now).

J: (yelling) I CAN'T SLEEP WITH MY PILLOW SMELLING LIKE VAGINA!

A high pitched, shrieking voice comes out of the darkness. K has awoken.

K: (screaming defensively) I DON'T HAVE A SMELLY VAGINA!

Both girls begin shouting over one another

J: Wash your hands!

K: I DID.

J: Did not. Don't touch my pillow!

K: I didn't touch myself.

J: You're not allowed on my bed. You're not a good wiper.

As the situation devolves, Dad lifts the offending pillow to his face, and proceeds to do something heretofore unimaginable. He sniffs.


Dad: (thankfully) Smells like Downy.

J: It does not

K: Apologize!

J grabs the pillow and methodically sniffs all four corners of the pillow, like a drug sniffing dog.

J: It smelled a minute ago.

From the darkness:

K: SAY YOU'RE SORRY!

Dad: Both of you go to bed right now, and I am telling your mother.

Both girls go to bed, and Dad slinks back down to the couch, thoroughly shaken and perhaps permanently scarred.  The end.

Best poem ever

The Mountain Whippoorwill
(Or, How Hill-Billy Jim Won the Great Fiddlers' Prize)
By Stephen Vincent Benet

Up in the mountains, it's lonesome all the time,
(Sof' win' slewin' thu' the sweet-potato vine.)
Up in the mountains, it's lonesome for a child,
(Whippoorwills a-callin' when the sap runs wild.)
Up in the mountains, mountains in the fog,
Everythin's as lazy as an old houn' dog.
Born in the mountains, never raised a pet,
Don't want nuthin' an' never got it yet.
Born in the mountains, lonesome-born,
Raised runnin' ragged thu' the cockleburrs and corn.
Never knew my pappy, mebbe never should.
Think he was a fiddle made of mountain laurel-wood.
Never had a mammy to teach me pretty-please.
Think she was a whippoorwill, a-skittin' thu' the trees.
Never had a brother ner a whole pair of pants,
But when I start to fiddle, why, yuh got to start to dance!
Listen to my fiddle -- Kingdom Come -- Kingdom Come!
Hear the frogs a-chunkin' "Jug o' rum, Jug o' rum!"
Hear that mountain whippoorwill be lonesome in the air,
An' I'll tell yuh how I travelled to the Essex County Fair.
Essex County has a mighty pretty fair,
All the smarty fiddlers from the South come there.
Elbows flyin' as they rosin up the bow
For the First Prize Contest in the Georgia Fiddlers' Show.
Old Dan Wheeling, with his whiskers in his ears,
King-pin fiddler for nearly twenty years.
Big Tom Sergeant, with his blue wall-eye,
An' Little Jimmy Weezer that can make a fiddle cry.
All sittin' roun', spittin' high an' struttin' proud,
(Listen, little whippoorwill, yuh better bug yore eyes!)
Tun-a-tun-a-tunin' while the jedges told the crowd
Them that got the mostest claps'd win the bestest prize.
Everybody waitin' for the first tweedle-dee,
When in comes a-stumblin' -- hill-billy me!
Bowed right pretty to the jedges an' the rest,
Took a silver dollar from a hole inside my vest,
Plunked it on the table an' said, "There's my callin' card!
An' anyone that licks me -- well, he's got to fiddle hard!"
Old Dan Wheeling, he was laughin' fit to holler,
Little Jimmy Weezer said, "There's one dead dollar!"
Big Tom Sergeant had a yaller-toothy grin,
But I tucked my little whippoorwill spang underneath my chin,
An' petted it an' tuned it till the jedges said, "Begin!"
Big Tom Sargent was the first in line;
He could fiddle all the bugs off a sweet-potato vine.
He could fiddle down a possum from a mile-high tree,
He could fiddle up a whale from the bottom of the sea.
Yuh could hear hands spankin' till they spanked each other raw,
When he finished variations on "Turkey in the Straw."
Little Jimmy Weezer was the next to play;
He could fiddle all night, he could fiddle all day.
He could fiddle chills, he could fiddle fever,
He could make a fiddle rustle like a lowland river.
He could make a fiddle croon like a lovin' woman.
An' they clapped like thunder when he'd finished strummin'.
Then came the ruck of the bob-tailed fiddlers,
The let's-go-easies, the fair-to-middlers.
They got their claps an' they lost their bicker,
An' they all settled back for some more corn-licker.
An' the crowd was tired of their no-count squealing,
When out in the center steps Old Dan Wheeling.
He fiddled high and he fiddled low,
(Listen, little whippoorwill, yuh got to spread yore wings!)
He fiddled and fiddled with a cherrywood bow,
(Old Dan Wheeling's got bee-honey in his strings).
He fiddled a wind by the lonesome moon,
He fiddled a most almighty tune.
He started fiddling like a ghost.
He ended fiddling like a host.
He fiddled north an' he fiddled south,
He fiddled the heart right out of yore mouth.
He fiddled here an' he fiddled there.
He fiddled salvation everywhere.
When he was finished, the crowd cut loose,
(Whippoorwill, they's rain on yore breast.)
An' I sat there wonderin' "What's the use?"
(Whippoorwill, fly home to yore nest.)
But I stood up pert an' I took my bow,
An' my fiddle went to my shoulder, so.
An' -- they wasn't no crowd to get me fazed --
But I was alone where I was raised.
Up in the mountains, so still it makes yuh skeered.
Where God lies sleepin' in his big white beard.
An' I heard the sound of the squirrel in the pine,
An' I heard the earth a-breathin' thu' the long night-time.
They've fiddled the rose, and they've fiddled the thorn,
But they haven't fiddled the mountain-corn.
They've fiddled sinful an' fiddled moral,
But they haven't fiddled the breshwood-laurel.
They've fiddled loud, and they've fiddled still,
But they haven't fiddled the whippoorwill.
I started off with a dump-diddle-dump,
(Oh, hell's broke loose in Georgia!)
Skunk-cabbage growin' by the bee-gum stump.
(Whippoorwill, yo're singin' now!)
My mother was a whippoorwill pert,
My father, he was lazy,
But I'm hell broke loose in a new store shirt
To fiddle all Georgia crazy.
Swing yore partners -- up an' down the middle!
Sashay now -- oh, listen to that fiddle!
Flapjacks flippin' on a red-hot griddle,
An' hell's broke loose,
Hell's broke loose,
Fire on the mountains -- snakes in the grass.
Satan's here a-bilin' -- oh, Lordy, let him pass!
Go down Moses, set my people free;
Pop goes the weasel thu' the old Red Sea!
Jonah sittin' on a hickory-bough,
Up jumps a whale -- an' where's yore prophet now?
Rabbit in the pea-patch, possum in the pot,
Try an' stop my fiddle, now my fiddle's gettin' hot!
Whippoorwill, singin' thu' the mountain hush,
Whippoorwill, shoutin' from the burnin' bush,
Whippoorwill, cryin' in the stable-door,
Sing tonight as yuh never sang before!
Hell's broke loose like a stompin' mountain-shoat,
Sing till yuh bust the gold in yore throat!
Hell's broke loose for forty miles aroun'
Bound to stop yore music if yuh don['t sing it down.
Sing on the mountains, little whippoorwill,
Sing to the valleys, an' slap 'em with a hill,
For I'm struttin' high as an eagle's quill,
An' hell's broke loose,
Hell's broke loose,
Hell's broke loose in Georgia!
They wasn't a sound when I stopped bowin',
(Whippoorwill, yuh can sing no more.)
But, somewhere or other, the dawn was growin',
(Oh, mountain whippoorwill!)
An' I thought, "I've fiddled all night an' lost,
Yo're a good hill-billy, but yuh've been bossed."
So I went to congratulate old man Dan,
-- But he put his fiddle into my han' --
An' then the noise of the crowd began!

The best poem ever!  Especially when read to me by M just before he tucked me in for a nap

Just my opinion but...

Total win.

Hats off to this teacher.  Instead of complaining about bullying in the classroom, she's FIXING it.  A special friend of mine is also a teacher and I don't think she realizes that she just naturally does this sort of thing as well.  How do I know she does, even though I have never sat through her class?  Because she wouldn't be the person I know she is if she didn't.

Sharing is caring...

Well after about 6 hrs of fucked up nightmares concerning emotions like jealousy, envy and despair, I gave it up and got up.  What was I dreaming about?  Our lovely friend, we'll call her S.
      I need to brain dump this so bear with me OK?  M has seasonal affect disorder which means for about 3 months a year, he tends to hide in his corner under his sun lamp.  When he gets too bad, I say something to him and he is more aware of his actions and takes steps to get out of his corner more, play more, BE with me more.  He's actually doing wonderful with it this year.
     My jealousy isn't stemming from his attention to her, or at least not as much as you might think.  My jealousy is stemming from her attention to HIM.  Yes I'm an idiot.  A couple of notable things: She's straight (mostly), she and I are forging our own relationship as friends, I do get to top her, she's not really switchy other than the throw you under the bus type of switchy.  So what is my problem?  I think it's more about possessiveness than jealousy.  I get everything that he does with the addition of our developing friendship.  I just don't want to share her.  God that's ugly.
     I am the one that does most of the "mentor" things like make sure she takes her vitamins and meds, daily check-ins, maintaining her book, that sort of thing, and I really like doing it.  I try to get over to see her, to get my hands on her even if it's just for a hug at least once a week.  We chat every morning and most evenings on messenger.  I guess it's understandable that when she's actually here, I want some "alone" play time with her but to be honest, play time is more for him.  Cause she's mostly straight.

All the cute ones are either straight or taken.  In this case?  Both.

     I don't want her to feel bad about this, and I'm not trying to change her over.  I could no more make her gay than I could make me straight, and if I'm being honest, this isn't really about sex, and that is what orientation is about, yes?  It's about her time, attention, and affection.  I love how she balances me.  I love how she can get me to do things that I hate, and do them gracefully, not stomping off muttering.  We SHOPPED for crying out loud.  And I didn't even whine much. 
*sigh*
Yeah, yeah, I'll get over my bad self.
I'll share.
Maybe
 

Instruction Manual

Mollena is the fashizzle.

Twas the night before Xmas....

And all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for M and I who were merrily engaged in a beating with him being the beater and me being the beatee.  I was naked and down on our little rocky-stool (footstool to the glider rocker), and M was going for broke, and had been for an hour already.  You see the whole point to this beating was to see if he could actually bruise me.  I don't bruise and I don't swell, which means that when I break something like an ankle or a collarbone, there is no bruising or swelling (I've confounded Dr's for years).  When what to my wondering ears does appear?  The landlord ringing the doorbell with a xmas gift for us.....

Yep...

I set a new land-speed record.  From sub-space to hiding upstairs in the bedroom in less than 2 seconds..

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!

YAY

It snowed!!!  I'll post pics in a bit, after I make cookies, and breakfast, and everyone's lunch....

for mp

Gee what a pretty tree...

Even though I felt like this guy all weekend,

This is what I did...

Gee what a pretty tree!  Where's my fucking eggnog....

Well Happy Yule to me!

I was sitting at the computer at work, on my teleconference that is supposed to be training me, but all it's doing is allowing me time to get the rest of my Christmas presents crocheted when one of the guys came up to me and gave me a quick hug and said congratulations...  O.O  I gave him the "You're a Whackjob" look and asked what he was talking about.  It turns out they had a Christmas raffle that everyone was put in for and I won!

WOOT!!

I won an ipad 2!!!!

And I found out how much take home pay is going to be on this check....
TRIPLE what it used to be.

WIN

Demmit

I'm not usually a country music fan, but this seems appropriate..

Xmas fuckery...

As I was watching my youngest in her 6th grade band concert the other night I was searching in vain for my Christmas spirit. Then I saw a couple of little ones dancing down in front of the seats to what was being played. All dressed in Christmas finery, they sang along to Rudolf and Frosty, not caring that the clarinets were squeaking or that one of the drummers was out of sync. It was Christmas and that was all they needed to be joyful.  So what's my problem?  Somehow, somewhere you have to realize that in this life there are things bigger than you and your problems.  Yes the holidays can be depressing with all the commercialism and whatnot.  Yes it accentuates relationships lost as everyone gathers with those near and dear to them.  Yes it seems to embody every single thing that you feel is wrong with your life (lack of money, time, friends etc)  But it should be bigger than that shouldn't it?  As I look at the pile of presents still to be wrapped, I flash back on the utter joy on my girls faces as they open the present they DIDN'T ask for, and found that maybe Santa is as wise as they thought.  As I look around my new house I see the possibilities for creating that place where they can feel comfortable in jammies and bedhead, happily tearing into gifts that they didn't ask for, and maybe don't really deserve, but get anyway because despite it all, they know we love them.  As I catch up on the laundry I pull out my traditional Christmas morning outfit of candy cane pj pants with a santa suit t-shirt that says "Does this outfit make me look fat?" and know that it will illicit the usual groans and questions about my mental capacity, as it does every year.  Christmas is bigger than my little sulky problems and in remembering that, I am going to let it put all those things into perspective.  Because really, it IS bigger than that...  If I let it be...  

Christmas Spirit

I seem to be lacking it this year.  I have no decorations up and the tree is still taking up residence in the garage.  It may have to do with me not having the kids this week so I don't have to pretend to enjoy the commercialism.  It may have to do with the job change.  It may have to do with the fact that Christmas is literally shoved down M's throat all day at his work and my unwillingness to do that at home.  It may have to do with the anniversary of M's Mom's passing.  It may have to do with the sullen teenager and how she's affecting me and my attitude.  *shrugs*  I dunno...

meh...  *trudges out to the garage to get the Christmas boxes out anyway*

One year

I miss her.  She's been gone a year, and she was in my life for even less time than that, but I miss her.  And I kept my promise to her for this last year, and I'll continue for the next.

Emotions

Are evil nasty things.  I'm just passing through the resentment part of the program and trying not to let it spill all over everyone else.  I am now entering the "fuck em" tunnel.

There be dragons here

Ok, maybe I'm ok on the time thing.  I've had one hell of a week and as soon as I can process more of it I'll write about it but for now?

I'm a regular reader of nilla's, and she's an amazing writer.  If that woman ever publishes a book, I'm soooo there.  I had a truly sick perverted dream one night after I worked quite a few appts during that day so I wrote to her asking her to flesh it out.  She did.  It's official people, I am truly a sick fuck....  but at least I'm a fun one...

Take a break people

I'm going to lol.  Actually with the start of my new position today I have no idea how much time I'll have for this for the next little while.

Sad

The attachment we form to inanimate objects is silly isn't it?  It's not like they love you back, it's not like they have a personality or can care for you.  Yet it takes me by surprise whenever I give one up and it actually hurts.  Today is the last day I will drive my own work truck.  I like my truck.  It's older (98), ugly, and has the stupid ladder rack on it, but I drove that thing every day for 8 hrs for the last three years.  I know every tick, creak, hiccup and pop it makes.  I turn it in at the end of the day today.  I haz a sad...

Making lemonade..

Had my first meeting with my new boss today.  One of the first things she plonked down in front of me was my new pay scale.  When I was offered the position, I was told that my salary (yes salary, not hourly) would be minimum wage plus commission.  That's about the same as unemployment would pay me ($7.50 per hour), plus I would still HAVE A JOB.  So while I was telling the witchlets that we'd have to tighten our belts and conniving and discussing and worrying with M about how we were going to pay the bills and still be able to eat, I seemed to have forgotten that I can sell sand to the Arabs if I want.  The first bit of training (think 4 weeks here) you are paid full commission rate, or the amount of commissions they expect you to maintain.  The projected income for the position, if you make your numbers, is $55,000 per year.  Yeah...  THEY DIDN'T TELL ME THAT.  My first two paychecks as a DSR will have take home pay THREE TIMES what I normally bring home...


WIN!

But I LIKED my job

No I didn't get fired. All this damn character building is knotting up my innards something fierce though.  Apparently the position of Auditor has been downsized so yesterday I was given a choice (after going through all the motions that the company goes through before they fire someone) between a severance package, and a position as a Direct Sales Rep.  Remember this?  Yeah....  Some of my favorite things about being an auditor are

1.  I have my own company truck and no one looking over my shoulder except for the rare occasions that C does a safety check.
2.  The scenery changes.
3.  My boss is 100 miles away
4.  I don't have to talk to customers

Direct Sales Reps :

1.  Drive their own vehicles and pay for most of their own gas.
2.  Work their selected county and only their selected county.
3.  Report to their boss weekly
4.  Talk to customers all day long.

Lemonade anyone?  I STILL HAVE A JOB.  I'll do what I have to do to make this work.

You are a seeker

You're a Seeker. You're kind and courteous and a great support to your friends. You have a wonderfully warm energy that is an inspiration to others. A sensitive soul with an expressive nature, you tend to be quite a romantic at heart. Sometimes you love nothing more than escaping into your very own dreamworld. Spontaneous new experiences can be really inspiring to you and you like exploring your creative side from time to time. Right now, you're probably exhausted and running on empty. Life has that way of creeping up on you. Sometimes you could do with more help around the house. It's not surprising that things get on top of you now and again. Don't be hard on yourself. You're doing a great job, and remember that no one can be a supermom every second of the day! It's important to remember to tap into your inner strength and to believe in yourself. Take on new challenges and stay stimulated so you remain enthusiastic and inspired by life. As a Seeker, you get excited by new ideas. You like adventure and original experiences that stimulate and challenge your status quo. Stay inspired with a rich mix of activities, and find time for hobbies that allow you to explore your creative side. Learn to recognize when you need variety in your life, and then incorporate it into your daily plans. Having a loving relationship is one of the biggest blessings there is. A solid home life is an immense source of strength and support. Make sure you don't take your partner for granted. Carving out some regular special one-on-one time is always worth it.


Or so says this test

*frowny face*

Throwing oneself under the bus is not a common occurrence in this house.  Of course, if it's something I like, I don't consider it that, I consider it indulging myself.  This was something I do.not.like.promise.  Our lovely friend Sarahnade left a delrin cane here, at M's request.  This thing is pure evil!  Ya know the kind of stingy thing that the initial impact doesn't really hurt, but give it a second and it starts to burn and within a 10 second time frame it turns into "HOLY FUCK YOU CAN PUT THAT DOWN NOW".  Yeah...  That kind of cane.  Well, I made the mistake of hiding it, and of course M found out.
*crickets*
No I'm not posting pictures you pervs.
So it became a "topic of discussion", and off the top of my head I spouted, well at least the damn thing is quiet...
The first clue: Him spinning around in his throne with eyebrows meeting his hairline.
Second clue:  "Maybe we should see how spendy those are"

I'm desperately trying to pass the new fucking cane off as an Xmas present with the hopes of delaying the breaking in process....

For Master's Piece  This is my favorite Xmas carol EVER

The love that binds us...

The love that binds us...

I suppose this is the place... My sister is gay and has a beautiful daughter who isn't. I have two beautiful daughters that aren't old enough to know what they are yet. M and I are looking for our unicorn and even more difficult, we would love to add a child that would belong to the three of us. If it happens, great, if it doesn't happen, we are happy with just us. But kids like this one? They give me hope. ☺

Oh just uhgggg

I am coming down with an icky cold...   I'll be back when my ribs stop hurting.

EEET'S ALIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!

Doing Massive Retarded Happy Dances!!!!


Sparky made it!


And her idiot owner didn't call me and tell me.

Yes I hit him..  Hard...

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming..

Day 4:  Someone you have to forgive for something

Ya know, I'm betting you think I should put my mom here...  But I'm not quite there yet, so I'll put X.  I need to forgive him for being an insufferable twit as well as being totally narcissistic.  He really can't help it considering the way his mother did and still does treat him.  Do I think he could do better?  Yep, I do.  Was I part of his problem?  You bet.  I enabled the shit outta the guy then belittled and demeaned him when he continued the behavior.  Doesn't make me a very nice person does it?  I do forgive him though because of one simple fact.  He is trying.  He is trying to be a good Dad.  He is trying to be a good partner.  That cuts him HUGE amounts of slack in my book.  I forgive him for not trying while we were in the relationship because frankly even if he had tried, it wouldn't have been "enough" for me.  I just wasn't happy in the relationship so there was no way anything he did would have pleased me.  He's easy enough to forgive.

I just don't think I'm up to forgiving the hard ones like my Mom yet, but I'll get there.

YAY me!

Remember this?  Yeah, well we've had a few attempts at it, and there was one fail, which was still pretty good, and one success.  I came home from work yesterday just flat pissy.  I've had the kids for 10 days (which was great but a stressor), it was a holiday, we were in the camper for 5 days and the last 2 of those it rained, and we were up at his Dad's place with the whole fam damily.
 No we didn't do it in the camper even though the children were way at the other side, no matter how quiet you are, you move.  I don't know if any of you have a pop-up, but when you move in one of the beds like AT ALL, it shakes the whole damn camper and at 16 and 11 they are old enough to know what that rocking means.  While probably amusing as hell, cries of Mom! seriously? do NOT set the mood for me.  I've scarred my children enough thankyouverymuch.  Soooo I was a wee bit stressed.  And of course, as is the way of most couples, I was pissy with him too.

Until he had had enough.

While I was sitting in the bath was NOT what I would call appropriate time for HIM to get a blow job.  It was also not the time for him to order me out of the bath and into the bedroom to lean over the bed so he could give me a good thrashing.  Any idea what that friggen cane that our lovely lady friend left here feels like on warm wet skin? (you can take that home now Sarahnade)  Holy Christ on a Rickety Old Crutch...  And the flat of his hand????????  Spanking immediately after the tub is now a hard limit (shadup).  I actually whirled away from him and buried my ass in the bed so he couldn't get it.  Cause that made it better.  Quit laughing.  Actually that is what had him reaching for that cane (srsly little one, that thing is going home with you either in your bag, or up your ass, at this point I don't care which). Now, contrary to popular opinion, I am not a slave.  (again with the laughing?)  So why did I submit to this?  Because one of the reasons domestic discipline didn't work out for us was because I didn't let it.  I had some stupid thought in my head that he was to force the discipline on me.  Yeah.  I know.  Mind reading didn't come with the marriage contract.  So when he stood in front of the tub and unzipped his pants, I sullenly happily obliged.  When he ordered me out of the tub, I protestingly gracefully complied.  By the time he was done with the cane, I was sobbing but still dry eyed so he entered me from behind and pulled my head out of my ass the blankets by my hair and started with the face slapping.  This time he didn't stop at the first sign of tears.  He made sure that my entire face was wet from the tears and I was flinching from his hand before he stopped.

I felt much better after.

He even helped me back into the tub (think hot water on cane welts) and stroked my hair for a while.

But there were no nightmares!

All is right in my world today. *huge ass grin*

Ker-thunk...

*face plants on sofa*

I'll write tomorrow...

after I warm up...

and get some sleep...

2 days of rain, 2 children, 1 camper....

We interrupt the regularly scheduled broadcast....

HAPPY HAND TURKEY DAY!!!!!!!!!

Yes I know only us Americans celebrate it, and most of us call it Thanksgiving.  I call it Hand Turkey Day for a variety of reasons, first being that traditionally both my kids draw "Hand Turkeys" and give them to me as a card.  Yes I keep them.  Yes they are 11 and 16.  Shadup.

You know I really don't like being thankful.  I'm not a big fan of gratitude.  Being thankful for something or being grateful for it implies that it was handed to me.  Maybe my being a veteran has something to do with my attitude about it.  *shrugs*  Don't get me wrong, I have an emotion concerning all in my life that I should be  "grateful" for, I prefer to call it appreciation.  I appreciate my freedom cause I damn well earned it by serving in the United States Army for 8 years, including overseas.  I appreciate my job because I bust my ass to keep it and do it well.  I appreciate my children because I didn't believe the doctors that told me I would never have them.  The oldest put me through 9 months of living hell because that child was ADHD in the womb!  Promise.  My youngest put me on the couch for 6 months with me tracking her every movement because she never moved.  The kid was a speedbump.  Due to complications and the fact that I happened to have 2 uterus' (only 1 functioning), it was like carrying twins and I slipped two disks in my lower back in my 5th month.  I damn well earned that child too. Any woman that has gone through pregnancy, childbirth and then raised that child to the best of their abilities has earned them.  I appreciate the living hell out of the fact that I have two happy, well adjusted, "normal" children.  But no one handed them to me, I have and still do work my ass off for them.  I appreciate my home because I bought, scrounged or sought out every stick of furniture in it and I work two jobs to be able to pay for it and the food on the table.  I appreciate my friends because I give as much or more than I get.  I appreciate the two dogs and retarded cat (he is, honest) because I give them the best food possible (home-made dog food and yes the cat eats it too), I pay the vet bills, I groom them, I love them and they are happy and healthy.  I appreciate my husband who is also my Master because relationships are WORK damnit.  We've endured hardships and separation, and we work on our relationship every day.  I earned that too.  So every day I say thanks to the deity because I have the ability to earn every single thing in my life.  THAT is the only thing that I am truly grateful for.  Everything else gets my undying appreciation.

If you appreciate the people and/or things in your life, wish them a Happy Hand Turkey Day by either drawing them one (wiser in some cases) or giving them one (pics or it didn't happen).  Appreciate what you've earned, but only be grateful that you were given the ability to earn it.

Day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I had to (and still am) learn to forgive myself for not fighting back against my mother when she abused me.  I skated, avoided her, did exactly what she asked, anything in the world to make it stop, except fight back.

Seems to me that I've made up for lost time as I constantly fight back now lol.

Packing to head up north tomorrow morning early for Hand Turkey Day but yes I will continue to do the daily thing, or at least I will try lol.

Day 2

Day 2 Something you really like about yourself

I haz teh funneh

Usually

I can make people laugh.  Whether it's my smart ass sense of humor or snarky self-depreciation, I can usually get someone laughing no matter how off they are feeling.  It took me quite a few years and much honing of the skill but it's one I love about myself and one I value in others as well.  Even on his worst days, X could always make me laugh, and still can.

Subject change

It didn't work out so....

SUBJECT CHANGE!

Thank Impy for the idea, she's one of my regular reads and as I'd like her to post more I'm copying from her :D
30 Days of Truth

Day 01:Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2:  Something you love about yourself
Day 3:  Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 4:  Something you have to forgive someone for
Day 5:  Something you hope to do in your life
Day 6:  Something you to never have to do
Day 7:  Someone that has made your life worth living for
Day 8:  Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit
Day 9:  Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted away
Day 10:  Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on
Day 12:  Something you never get compliments on
Day 13:  A band or artist that has gotten you throu some tough ass days (write a letter)
Day 14:  A hero that has let you down.  (letter)
Day 15:  Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried
Day 16:  Something or someone you definately could live without
Day 17:  A book you've read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage
Day 19: What do you think of religion
Day 20:  Your views on drugs and alcohol
Day 21:  (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before, what do you do?
Day 22:  Something you wish you hadn't done in your life
Day 23:  Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24:  Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (just post titles, artists and letter)
Day 25:  the reason you believe you're still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on live - If so when and why
Day 27:  What's the best thing going for you right now
Day 28:  What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29:  Something you hope to change about yourself, and why.
Day 30:  A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Day 1.  Something you hate about yourself.

I totally hate drama, and while this is a common sentiment, most people can handle it.  I hate it because I cannot.  I don't like arguing, fighting, or watching people humiliate themselves.  When people become their holiness the lali drama, I'm running the other direction, promise.  Even when it's drama that I "should" get involved in, I totally don't.  I perceive this as something to hate because of the feelings it invokes in me that I can't control.  Like panic.  Yes I'm wierd.  I get totally bitchy and mean and say positively demeaning things to get them to stop, remember the eldest witchlet?  Yeah.  She's 16 and stupid with it.  I'm going to change her middle name to drama.  Teenage angst is a way of life for her right now and ima gonna beat her.  I literally walk away from her ALL the time because saying stupid and demeaning things to my daughter is NOT cool behavior for a Mom.  I got up and left the dinner table TWICE this week because of it.  *sigh*  I have a feeling it's not over yet either.

Nightmares

Ok, it's been a rough week.  I quit taking the spendy sleeping pills for a couple of very valid reasons.  1.  I was waking up through them just like when I wasn't taking them  2.  $180 a month out of my flex-care card that wasn't planned for at the once a year adjustment thingy  3. I hate sleeping pills because I know they are addictive  4.  I feel like at 43 I should be over what ever bullshit is causing me to not sleep.  So instead of arguing with M about it, (which is invariably what happens whenever I want to change a medication) when my insurance wouldn't cover the amount of sleeping pills the dr wanted to proscribe, I took it as a sign and just didn't get them refilled.  Three days later he figured it out.  I went through a bit of withdrawal, which wasn't nearly as bad as when I went off paxul, and the usual I can't sleep for 2 days, then I started sleeping like a brick for about 4 hrs a night.  M was "surprised" and didn't think it was a good idea.  And thought I should at least have some on hand if it got too bad.  So we "argued" about it for a couple of those days.  Our version of arguing is me being insecure and saying sorry about everything and him getting pissed that I'm acting like that, which just fuels the insecurity etc etc etc.  Then we talk about it.  He fully understood why I did it, which didn't change his opinion about keeping some on hand, which fixed the insecurity, etc etc etc.

Ok, fast forward to last night.  We have been talking for quite a while about my inability to cry.  I was Pavlovian trained by my mother that crying was bad.  She'd hit me, I'd cry, she'd hit me harder for crying literally until I stopped.  End result?  I don't cry when it's appropriate to.  I don't cry, ever.  You really really have to break my heart or do something that just emotionally wrecks me to get tears.  Tears are good for you, they are a catharsis.  It was proven long ago that crying actually releases some chemicals in your body that help you handle stress.  I WANT to be able to cry.  I don't want my icky bitch of a mother to win that battle.  I want that ability back.  So being the logical pervert that I am, I talked to M about re-training me to cry.  It took forever but I remembered something that happened a while ago, we were fighting for whatever stupid reason, and I couldn't talk about why I was pissed but we had a play party to go to.  I walked into the party and the lovely Ms J took one look at me, pulled me over to the side, put my on my knees by my hair and slapped my face a couple of times until I started bawling.  She is the one and only person that can merrily tromp all over my limits like that lol.  Then she held me for about an hour and cried with me and BINGO damn if I didn't feel just peachy!  I think I had deliberately blocked that insti-scene out of my head when M and I started talking about this.  He has never slapped my face or grabbed my throat.  They have always been hard limits of mine, always.  Well I reminded him of that and we discussed it and discussed it, and agreed that we would give it a try.  Have I told you its been a rough week?  Well I wrecked a surprise that M was trying to pull on me last night, and he always gets so disappointed in me when I do that that its one of the few ways I can actually earn a punishment.  The lecture took up the entire time we were cleaning up after dinner and then he ordered me upstairs, where the lecture continued while he started punishing me.  Then he lifted me by my throat, started fucking me from behind, punctuating his lecture with slaps to my face while holding my head back by my hair.  It took three.  I was a sobbing snotty remorseful mess.  I bawled through the rest of my punishment and he continued to fuck me but he started praising me for letting it out and and and..  Yeah, it was hawt.  I was exhausted so he dressed me in my pj's and tucked me into bed.  And I had nightmares about my mother all friggen night....  Definitely need more aftercare when we do that... (no I don't need an ipad to communicate)

I'm not responsible for your keyboard...

1) Open THIS LINK

2)  Click on the "choose a colour" button to indicate you'd like to see the shirt in black.

3)  Lose bladder control and spit your beverage on your keyboard

4)  Forward to everyone you know...

I can't tell if this is a clever marketing ploy, an inadvertant mistake, or just what but if Mollena thinks it's hilarious and isn't offended, then I'm not.  If you're offended, let me know so I can take you off my friends list. ~snerk~

I've got VBA

No it's not an STI you pervs.  Pepper of Tales of a Spicy slave has accorded me the honor of a Versatile Bloggers Award. Yay me!  Here is the definition of it, as it was given to me :D  It is one of those 'round robin' self perpetuating things designed to allow bloggers to share their reading habits with others. The Blogosphere is a big place - bordering on enormous! and lovely snippets, wonderful posts, brilliant blogs can end up lost in the ether, wandering unnoticed in space until someone says "hey, have you seen this?" So, as I understand it, that is what the VBA is all about - sharing. It is good to share.

Ok, while I thank Pepper for the lovely honor, the next thing it comes with are rules... And we all know how good switches are at following the rules (not).


1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass this award along to 15 blogs you enjoy reading.

Ok, so apparently even blogs have chain letters heh!  Well, here goes nothing..

1.  Pepper at Tales of a Spicy slave
2.  I've been Wiccan all of my adult life, I have exactly ONE vanilla friend, I sometimes call M Daddy, I have been a dog groomer since I was 18 (it's always been my side job), I cut M's hair, my hair is almost down to my waist, M chooses the color of undies I wear every day (it's a rule)
3. Under His Hand
Down the rabbit hole
Hers To Do With As She Will
Paw Prints in Slavery
Unapologetically kinky
of course, Tales of a Spicy slave
Aisha
Heart and Soul
The Journey
Vanillamom's Blog
Knotty Little Monkey
Words on the Bottom
Turn the Paige
Sparkling Scars
The Whiskey Owl

There ya go!  I'll let them know tomorrow, and I'll let everyone know what happens when you decide on your own to quit taking your sleeping pills, and M's reaction when he found out........~cue ominous music~

Share and share alike

We had a friend over for some play this weekend.  What I mean is M did lol.  This girl, while I met her a while ago and she doesn't mind a little female topping, she' pretty straight.  The girl crushes she has had are on the obvious uber-yummy like Ms J.  M's favorite thing in the whole world is seeing two girls together.  I like this girl. I mean I really like her - friend type like.  Of course seeing her yummy self naked was a bonus, but when they played I was quiet in the next room, or on the next floor because she's straight.  And I'm soooo not.  I don't know how to explain this to M that when he is playing with a straight girl, me getting all touchy feelie with her would be like a gay man rubbing up against him, and I don't want to be that person.  Plus the fact that this was the first time she'd been to our house.  Plus the fact that she was there to play with ~insert melodramatic voice~ another woman's husband.  Plus the fact that it was her first time playing with M ever.  Plus the fact that I want them to have a good relationship.    Not that she would have been uncomfortable with it, I would have.  Ya don't torment the straights.  It's a rule.

Shall I turn on my cam?

Shall I turn on my cam?

Bang Bang, He shot me down.

One of my triggers has always been sitting down to the dinner table family style.  When I was growing up every single dinner was served this way with my Mother and one end of the table, and my Dad at the other end.  L and I sat on one side and the older bother sat on the other side.  The only thing about the order that changed was who my mother was more pissed at me or my sister.  Usually it was her so she had the joy of sitting next to mom.  The table should have been a place for family conversations, fun and laughter.  Ours was listening to Dad tell stories of his day at the paper mill and my mother berating us for making noise or interupting my Dad with questions.  Most of this is a blur, I'm sure that there were dinners that no one got berated at, or Dad didn't have a funny story for us, I just don't remember them.  The ones I do remember were with mom pissed off and reaching out and smacking us for whatever infraction we had committed.  As we got older they turned from brain dusters to punches.  I remember L getting slapped in the face and bleeding from the cuts that her braces had inflicted and still having to finish her dinner.  She vomited on her plate, I'm assuming from the blood she had eaten, and mom made her finish her plate anyway.  Things like that happened to me as well but never that I remember did it happen to the older brother.

Moving forward to last night.  I can't stand to have yelling or arguing at the table.  To the point where I quit sitting down to family dinners with my kids a long long time ago.  We at in the living room in front of the TV.  Every time we sat at the table, X would yell at someone for something and I would get nauseous and leave the table.  So I quit doing it, like 10 years ago.  I can remember the last time, he was yelling at the oldest for something and I just couldn't stand it.  I went into the bathroom and vomited and that was it.  I even got rid of the table that seated four and got one that only sat 2 so the kids would have somewhere to eat their breakfast.  When I left X I got a table that seated 4 but it was only used when we had company.  Ever since M has been here, we eat at the table.  The meals have been enjoyable and fun and conversation has flown and it was great.  Until last week.  M and I have been married for 6 months now and the kids are finally comfortable enough with him to start acting up.  The oldest tried to play a game on him, and I squashed it but he was very angry with her.  He had every right to be angry as it was completely stupid and would have never worked simply because he and I talk.  Much to her chagrin, I busted it wide open and he was so pissed at her that he made her stand in the corner from the time she got home until I got home.  He made a wonderful dinner and we sat down to it like usual.  The one big difference was that he wasn't done being pissed at her yet.  While we ate (me with my face down staring at my plate, trying not to vomit), he yelled at her.  To me it felt like it was going to go on forever and I rushed through my food and left the table as soon as I possibly could.  He thought I was angry.  I wasn't angry.  Angry wasn't possible for me at that point.  Just not losing it was all I was able to manage.  Considering my past, and what a huge trigger it is for me, I'm pretty damn proud of myself that I managed to stay sitting at the table.  I did skate as soon as my food was done, but at least I finished my food.  I actually managed about 1/2 hour more, then I shut down the computer and went to bed.  I had to get away from him.  I won't say that I've never felt like that before, but this time I didn't run.  In the past I would have gotten up by about the 4th word and went to bed right then and there.  Or more accurately, cowered between the bed and the wall for a while until I heard him on the stairs, then not wanting him to see what a basket case he married, I would jump into bed so he wouldn't see me there.  I'm getting better.  I didn't run.  I didn't hide.  I didn't cower.  I still couldn't talk to him until this morning, but I DID talk to him this morning.  And I'm writing about it tonight, knowing full well that he's going to read it, and not think I'm a basket case.  And love me more because I'm no longer running.  I'm dealing.  Yay me!

Be careful what you wish for.

Ok, so this blog is to pick my brain right?  I'm not all about sharing all the little details of our sex life cause frankly, it's not that entertaining to anyone besides us, and I'm shy  discrete.  So when Master got all masterful one of the things he did was quit listening when I said no.  I don't do webcams, ever.  Upon our first meeting after chatting for two weeks, he spied the webcam on top of my computer and promptly gave me a spanking for not telling him I had one.  The damn thing collects dust usually and it can go uninstalled for months at a time or get thrown in the trash forgotten about, and it wouldn't bother me.  When he has threatened to put my beatings on cam for some girl to watch the answer was always a resounding NO and I'd walk away.  Well, that changed, much to my absolute mortification delight.  Not only did he put me on cam, on the other end was a hot young 19 yr old who is absolutely gorgeous.  My back was to the camera so she could have had 20 people watching and I wouldn't have known.  At first I was totally not into it.  I was silent, didn't move or squirm or anything.  I felt like a statue.  Then he started talking to me.  He told me that I wanted him to stop listening to me when I said no, and this was him not listening to my no.  Instantly wet, instantly moaning, instantly moving with the beats of the flogger, and really didn't give a red rats ass if there were 20 people watching or not.  He quit listening to no.  Yeah, that just flat did it for me.  Be careful what you wish for...

Doctor Doctor, can you heal me

I went back to the shrink for my med check.  I actually like this guy, he's funny!!  I told him "Don't mind me, I'm nuts"  His response?  "Well, you're in the right place."  He agree's that the chemical imbalance was aggravated by the hormones and told me to keep tracking when I'm experiencing PMS symptoms as that will help me deal with them.  He said that I was so busy managing my imbalance without medication that I just managed the PMS along with it.  Now that I don't have to work so hard to manage the imbalance, I'm actually displaying the signs of PMS but that it was probably there all along.

Oh good...

See?  I always knew I was a bitchy female :D

Gratitude.

 I needed my attitude adjusted this weekend and I got exactly that.  He was all Domly and Masterly and wonderful!  I look forward to more of the same (hopefully).

Grief

I know she's a dog  I know she is not even my dog.  But when you groom a dog once a month for 11 years you get emotionally invested in their health and well being.  She was a mischevious, stubborn, affectionate, independant little shit who kept me on my toes for 11 years.  She had a great life and I am going to miss her terribly.  Sparky had a stroke yesterday and her owner showed up for her appointment last night with only 2 dogs, not 3.  She's 14 years old.  Go peacefully my friend.  You deserve it.

What I Are

So everyone knows my mantra, I am not a slave.  Well I just had confirmation of that fact from M.  This is what he posted on fet..

Vixen isn't a slave. She's not entirely submissive. What she is? A wonderful partner, a devoted bride, a good home-maker and mother, and all with a full-time job that is as physically demanding as, and pays a lot more than, mine. She holds herself to a higher standard than I could ever impose. Mostly. I don't really have to do anything. She handles her own discipline.

FTW!!!

Doing the silly happy dance...

This requires a bit of backstory so fill your coffee cup now..


I'll wait...


Ready?


About a year ago, at work, we were just finishing up the standard audit.  Our team hit over 200,000 homes in just under 3 years.  Now that's only impressive when you consider that at that point we only had a dozen team members.  Yes we averaged about 100 homes a day each, but it was great!  We did it all from the ground with the help of binoculars and meters.  When we found someone that was hooked up illegally, we marked them down then on Mondays we did all of the disconnects.  That means that my ladder stayed on my truck all days except one.  The someone, in their infinite wisdom, decided to change shit.  Now we were climbing at every pole, cleaning up other people's messes.  Our productivity cut in half.  We went from a team of 12 down to 9 as people quit, transferred, or were fired because their body couldn't handle spending 7 hrs a day either hauling that pig on their shoulder through back yards or standing on it.  In January.  On snow and/or ice (it's Wisconsin people).  February got worse as it always does.  We no longer saw our trucks and every member of the team had sprains, strains, aches and the moral did a nose dive as it was announced that this would be our life for the next year.  People started quietly looking for new jobs, me included.  We had an occasional break as the powers that be decided that we would start doing two different types of audits at the same time.  The other audit was checking installations that had been done the previous week to determine if the techs were placing the equipment outside that they were supposed to, and where.  Which is the local supervisors job.  Not ours.  I know for a fact that 2 of the guys got fired directly because of things that I found, which is the wrong way of looking at it I suppose.  They got fired because they didn't do their jobs properly, but I'm the one that reported the info.  Now the fun began.  My boss (let's just call him C) started pushing us for numbers.  IE  The company was bitching because we weren't passing enough homes a day.  Moral was so low that the supervisor called an all-staff meeting and actually apologized for not doing his job properly.  Now, in his defense, he had HIS boss's hand so far up his ass C could have given the man a manicure with his teeth.  We all got REAL blunt at this point and literally told C's boss what the problem was.  Him and his grand ideas.  Spring approached and the work got easier.  We were still hauling and climbing all day long but it's infinately easier when you're not fighting 6 to 8 foot snow banks.  The company was still bitching even though our production went up marginally.  In June, someone finally listened to C and we were put back on a version of our original audit.  We didn't have to clean up the tech's messes anymore, we only climbed when we found an illegal, but it was still climbing every day.  At this point we were so happy to not be spending all damn day on the ladder that we accepted it gratefully.  Today that changed.

WE ARE BACK TO THE ORIGINAL VERSION OF THE AUDIT!!

I locked my ladder for the first time in 10 months.  I'm not going to get that bitch off my truck until Monday.

WOO HOO!!!

I can finally say, I can love my job again. :D

Insert funny title here

Are you sure it's Tuesday?  Meh - feels like Monday to me.

Nurses and Wolves and Slaves Oh MY!

Instead of going to our usual munch group, we traveled up to Upper Michigan to go to a Halloween party with Kaya and Scott.  They very graciously accepted us and our dogs into their home, and made us welcome.  I got to play a bit with baby girl, then off we went to the party.  Kaya was hauling around goodies in her basket, and I was busy putting said goodies on lots of girls bewbies, when I realized that this would be the perfect time to enact a friend of mine's revenge request.  I had M take a picture of me giving her a hug, then claimed that it didn't turn out right.


When he set up for the next picture I delivered the request

Bus schedules anyone?

Reunited and it feels so gooooood

Well, it will anyway, if we ever get a break from the kid-things to DO anything about it.

Naval Gazing

Sometimes its not about the control or the beatings.  Sometimes its about the comfort of a hug, the love exchanged, the need for each others presence, the understanding.  Sometimes its just that craving to be in each others arms.  I think that ttwd has less to do with the relationship between us than the fact that we both enjoy kink.  Almost as if the kink is simply something we have in common but the foundation is that love we have for each other.  My mom fucked up a lot of things in the raising of us but she got a couple of things right.  She told me that sex doesn't make a marriage, but she had never seen a successful one without it.  

What's in a name?

Masters_piece - So how are you these fine days... well they are here being spring... are you feeling a little less discombobulated?

Vixen - Yep, I'm back to my normal snarky self, although I do believe that when he tells me I'm not a slave it's a process of reverse psychology. He's clever that way.

Masters_piece - Snort so... 'cos one is nosey and all that... does it have the same effect when total strangers on the net say it?? :D  

Vixen - I ignore total strangers on the net lol. Mostly. But then you and I aren't total strangers anymore either are we?

Vixen - It's the little things that are getting me. We were supposed to go to this Halloween party with Kaya and Scott. I asked if he had any ideas as to what we should go as? His first suggestion was an incredible amount of work that he knew I would have no time to make. So I countered with one that was easy and would only require me to make a skirt. I said Teacher and School Girl. I figured he would go for it as he loves me to dress up as a school girl occasionally. The response I got just floored me.

"I'll take you to the fabric store and choose the fabric. It will be mid-thigh with 2 inch pleats." All taken aback by the direct tone I asked, rather sarcastically, if he had a color or pattern in mind for the fabric. "Red and black, a large plaid". I asked if I had any choice in this? "I said I would take you with didn't I?"

He's killing me. We tried the O/p thing, he's not consistent enough. He asks rather than directs. We discussed it and decided that that dynamic just doesn't fit us. I am not a slave, just ask him and he'll tell you.

Masters_piece - LOL have you actually read the blog... and you are still vying for the most unslavey slave award. Got that one soooo nailed you aren't even in second place.Honestly some people are just polite... round here an ask is an order... it just blends better :D
As for plaid it might be a kindness to point out that large checks will make his bum look big... just sayin

Vixen - But he doesn't enforce it....So it's like I still have a choice.  But I feel terrible if I don't do what he asks.  But there's no penalty or punishment if I don't do what he asks, other than the one I impose on myself.

Masters_piece - And that is less effective than anything he might do?

Vixen - head-desk

Masters_piece - Which leads one to conclude...

A He has you right where he wants you
B It isn't quite what you want... in which case he has you right where he wants you
C Either way you are his whatever you might want to call it

???

Vixen - kicks Masters_piece

Masters_piece - Well on that note one is going to bed...
:D

Isn't she inspirational?

Well, so I guess the reason the name "slave" is so huge to me is that it has certain rules that are associated with it.  You wear a collar (I do), you are available for his sexual use whenever he feels like it (I am), you are at his beck and call (yeah, that too), he gets to do things to you that are fun for him but not necessarily for you (well, to be honest they're fun for me too), and last but not least, he makes the decisions (except for the checkbook, that's mine..wait a minute, he told me that's mine).  And yet he says I'm not a slave.

Well if I'm not a slave, what the hell am I?

Touching a star

Ever have one of those moments in the scene where you get to touch a star?  What I mean is when you get an inkling or an indication that one of the most beautiful and popular people just might want to play with you?  That wonderfully buzzy, instantly wet, heart pounding moment when you realize that you're going to get to touch and torment and spank and bite someone who is so absolutely yummy that you get drenched just at the thought?  I had one of those last camp.  And I did get to touch her although not nearly as much or as privately as I wanted to.  It's kind of strange because I was so looking forward to it that I was nervous as hell so I didn't do nearly as much to her as I wanted to.  I wonder if I can get up the guts to ask to play with her again...  

Good day

And the winner for the best birthday present ever?  A new digital camera, except that now M can use it to take pics of me with things like rosy red ass cheeks from my birthday spanking.  The runners up were a pair of sock monkey socks, complete with toes, and a pair of brilliant rainbow fuzzy socks.  Socks are a win in my world :D  I have simple tastes.

Deferred disassociation

Could I be more fucked up?  I swear there are days that I hate my own brain.  Srsly.  I've been becoming more and more withdrawn from everything and everyone.  I took down the "about me" section on my fet profile, I cleared my regularly read blogs, I took all my pictures down, I've been hiding behind a book at home.  I quit logging onto yahoo except for about an hour in the morning.  All because I didn't want to experience camp drop.  I miss camp.  I miss the people (mostly).  Because I had non-consensual refrigerator play, I didn't get to play as much as I wanted to so I didn't feel like I had experienced as much as I should have.  So I'm pouting.  And withdrawing.  *head-desk*

Anyone got a spare brain?  I'm ready to trade mine in.

Avoidance is the key to happiness

Yes I'm avoiding my blog like it's got cooties right now.  Yes I took down all my stuff on Fet.  No I'm not leaving the lifestyle.  No I'm not leaving Master.  I'm still processing enough of what happened at camp to be able to coherently write about it without hurting feelings and being bitchy.  Hang in there, ~insert terminator voice here~  I'll be back!

*groan*

This one time at Twisted Tryst

I squished a frog but not as hard as I wanted too.

I cooked breakfast for friends and shared coffee.

I had non-consensual refrigerator play.

I got massaged by one of the hawtest sadists at camp, twice and he out topped the refrigerator.


I was massaged by 4 Doms in one day.

I lost a cherry with Master in the privacy of our camper and it was friggen HAWT.

I stood up in front off 200 of my tribe and was acknowledged for helping. Thank you everyone blush

I had a HUGE squishy moment in the prison staff meeting

I had an even BIGGER squishy moment doing a cavity search that has changed the way I will look at M&M's forever.

I had random spontaneous wonderful play with new and old friends one of whom is "quiet".

I re-learned to love an english accent.

I fell in love with a lizard.
I fell in love with a frog.
I fell in love with a duck...
Again...
I fell in love with my Burninator...
Harder...
I fell in love with my Master all over again...